Epistle from the Polyamorous and/or Kinky Friends Retreat

Sharing.  - sm

Dear Friends,

During the weekend of March 21, 2014, a small group of Friends who identify as polyamorous and/or kinky met together in retreat for fellowship and discernment, with a focus on the intersection of spirituality and sexuality. We enjoyed good food and warm fires as we shared stories and got to know each other better.

We are part of a larger group of Friends who have been meeting during FGC Gatherings and FLGBTQC Midwinter Gatherings over the last few years, and this was our first opportunity for such an extended time together. We continue to wrestle worshipfully with questions of how we might be more integrated into the wider community of the Religious Society of Friends. We long to have our relationships recognized and respected, but we also hope to share our gifts, talents, and ministry.  We are abundantly blessed with gifts for open-hearted loving, and experienced with the radical honesty that our relationships call us to. We hold ourselves to high standards of integrity, truth, and faithfulness, and it pains us that we are limited in the expression of our gifts by common misunderstandings of who we are and what we do.

We wonder why the Divine has brought us together, and what our faithful work might be. We are on a path that is not clear to us, but despite our fears and uncertainties, we strive to be faithful, and to use the relative privilege and safety we enjoy to begin work that we hope will increase understanding, grace, and love. Sending this epistle in the tradition of Friends is our next step. We welcome your prayers as our work continues and our path slowly unfolds before us.

In love and faithfulness,

SH, Daniel C. Hall, David, Vonn New, Adlai, Su Penn, Ann, SW, CL, and Judy

Queries, and happy Spring Equinox!

Happy Spring Equinox! 

Today we focus on breaking the bonds of Winter and emerging into Spring. 

• From which bonds are you freeing yourself?  
• Who can you call on to help you?  
• What, or who, meets you when you emerge?

Friend of the Court Brief in Kitchen v. Herbert

[UPDATE: Briefs are available to read here.] 

I am very pleased and happy to share that Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns has joined many other faith groups on a friend of the court brief filed today by Kramer Levin in Kitchen v. Herbert, the Utah marriage equality case before the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals. 

I'll write a more detailed blog post about it tomorrow, with a link to the brief and all. 

The Utah court cited the prior briefs from Kramer Levin in the Windsor and Perry cases, to which we were also signatories, which was hugely significant. 

Yay!  And congratulations to all the signatories!

And thank you all, everyone who helped me with marriage minute information and contacts for faith communities in the area of the 10th Circuit who support same-sex marriage.  It helped. 

Blessed be!

UPDATED:  Here is a link to the brief: http://bit.ly/KitchenBrief

"An Open Letter to the General Secretary of Friends United Meeting"

An Open Letter to the General Secretary of Friends United Meeting
by Helen Marie Staab

Good evening Colin,

My name is Helen and I was present for the discussion at Beacon Hill Friends House this past Sunday. I wanted to write to thank you for coming all this way to speak with us, and to take a moment to speak to my concerns on this issue.

I want to be clear that while this is a deeply personal issue for me, it is also deeply spiritual. Neither my personal stake in rights for LGBTQ Friends nor the current cultural climate make my feelings on this any less Spirit-led. I too have labored with, prayed over, and sought truth on this subject. My struggle has not been to discern the morality or sinfulness of my sexuality, but whether I can be part of a religion that uses theology as an excuse for bigotry. I have struggled with whether, as a youth worker, I can encourage youth to be Quaker when I know that not all circles of Friends will welcome them. I have questioned whether I can faithfully live my ministry as a youth worker in a broader community that would have me hide who I am in order to be allowed to work with youth.

I am honored to spend time with Quaker youth, Queer youth, and broader populations of underprivileged youth, and I can tell you that this is a life or death situation. The risk that Quakers take when we cannot unite against prejudice is not that some straight Friends are going to feel uncomfortable, it's that people will keep on dying, and we will be complicit in our inaction.  There are children sleeping on the street, being murdered, and killing themselves because they do not have a community that is willing to take a stand for them. I myself am not willing to prioritize the discomfort of overcoming prejudice over their lives. To be asked to do so is an insult to me, to the youth, and to the truth that I believe to be at the core of our faith.

Additionally insulting to my faith is the implication that a community can be welcoming without being affirming. When we welcome only the parts of a person that do not challenge us to grow, we invalidate their existence as a whole person. No person can feel truly welcome in a place where they are not affirmed, and to suggest that we ought to settle for that implies that we are not worthy of the full love of the community and of God. Communities that do not seek to affirm all members are stunting themselves spiritually and cutting themselves off from the possibility for wholeness. Quakerism teaches us that we must be ready to be transformed by our faith, and the principles of radical love and inclusivity require readiness for total transformation as well. To settle for anything less is to sell ourselves short.

I'm not going to address the theological basis for homophobia. I am hoping that you know as well as I that there is no possible justification that can outweigh our call to see the Light of God in every person and affirm each other's ability to love & grow in whatever form that comes. The time for Quakers to unify on this issue and come out in full support of LGBTQ rights has come and gone; we are behind. We have watched people die while we discern how uncomfortable it might make some of us to let go of our prejudices. My position on this may sound extreme, and I do empathize with the nuances and complexities that exist in our community, but it is as simple as this: We are here to witness and be transformed by the radical love of God and to bring that love to others. There is no room for discrimination there, and there is no justification for allowing suffering and death to continue while we pick and choose what manifestations of love we affirm.

I hope that you will take the words that you heard on Sunday back with you to others in FUM. I felt that discussion to be very powerful and spirit led, and I am endlessly grateful to be part of a community that speaks the truth so clearly and without hesitation. I hope too that you can hear my words and know that they are fueled both by a deep love for the Quaker community and a steadfast conviction that we can, and must, do better.  

(c) 2014 Helen Marie Staab.  Reprinted with permission.  

Self-care reminders

Child sexual abuse is very much in the news and commentary just now. 

 

A reminder for survivors of violence against women, child abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence:

You can take a break from the coverage and the discussions. You don't have to follow it all. You don't have to participate in all your friends' conversations about it. You don't have to read anything you don't want to or be part of any conversations you don't want to.

What still remains most important is self-care. We can't help other victims and survivors, and we can't change rape culture, by doing things that jeopardize our own recovery.

Wear your own oxygen mask. Help other survivors get theirs on.

Faith communities and individuals supporting marriage equality in Utah and surrounding areas?

Dear friends,

I am looking for faith/religious groups and individuals who support same-sex marriage / marriage equality, in the following areas in the US:  

• Utah
• Oklahoma
• additionally, Colorado, New Mexico, Kansas, and Wyoming

I am particularly looking for Quaker, Unitarian Universalist, and Jewish groups and individuals, but individuals and groups from ANY faith tradition/religion would also be helpful.  

(This is a request related to some work I'm doing with a third-party group in that area.)

Please let me know of any groups or individuals in that area. I need to turn this around in about a week. 

Thanks so much!

Brigid Poetry Festival: IMBOLC

Snow on trees and birdbath.  (c) 2014 Mari Elm

A belated post for the 2014 Brigid Poetry Festival.  - sm

IMBOLC

Stillness.
Once-sleeping seeds
Nourished
Under a blanket of snow
And hard, cold Earth
Now stir,
Sending tendrils yet unseen
Of fragile life
Upward, outward.
The Sun grows longer, stronger,
Fueling, coaxing
Potential withal warm light.
The Cycle begins again
And we rejoice,
Bless-ed.

(C) Rev. Mari Elm
February 2014
reprinted with permission

Urgent: final vote for the Marriage and Civil Partnership Bill (Scotland)

The final vote for the Marriage and Civil Partnership Bill (Scotland) is on 4 February.

If you live in Scotland, please (please, please) contact MSPs and ask them:
1) to vote for Scotland's Equal Marriage bill and
2) to reject any negative amendments.

You can do so through this link:
http://www.equalmarriage.org.uk/itstime

As you may know, Quakers, Unitarian Universalists, and many Jewish groups in Scotland have supported this campaign for equal marriage as a matter of religious liberty.

This bill will also make a tremendous difference in the lives of people you know -- including me and Beloved Wife.

So as a personal favor, I ask you to contact MSPs. Thank you.

What shall I tell you about Winter Solstice?

Shall I tell you about the holiness of every day, of the sacredness of each of the four seasons? Shall I tell you about how tracking the seasons helps me understand, in a deeply...  Read more

Winter Solstice

Today is the longest night and shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.

What time did the sun rise where you are, and what time will it set?

(Bonus points for folks in the Southern Hemisphere...)

You can find your sunrise and sunset times at these links:
http://www.timeanddate.com/astronomy/
http://www.usno.navy.mil/USNO/astronomical-applications

Happy Winter Solstice!

Gratitude: Nelson Mandela

How many of us are sad to learn of Nelson Mandela's death is likely not countable.

We all die. Death is part of life.  Mandela died at the end of a long and amazing life.  He gave South Africa and the rest of the world the gift of his life and his service, and we are tremendously enriched by that.  His death in the fullness of time is sad, yes -- but it is not tragic.  His death cannot make us poorer, cannot take away all he has done for his people and many peoples, cannot take away what he has given us.  His legacy goes on.  Who is remembered, lives; may his memory be a blessing.

And a goad to work for justice.

Gratitude: Nelson Mandela

What is something you have learned from Nelson Mandela?

Minute from the Quaker Concern Around Dying and Death

Dear F/friends,

This is combination minute/epistle from the recent gathering of the Quaker Concern Around Dying and Death.  Please feel free to share, and please feel free to ask me about our work.

In Friendship,
Blessed be,
Stasa

QDD Gathering, November 21st-22nd 2013 at Woodbrooke
Helping Children and Young People to face dying and death

Minute

We have explored our own memories and experiences in order to seek a greater understanding of how children and young people may best be supported in facing their bereavements.

We have been led to recognise that we cannot truly hear what children and young people need from us if we do not face our own losses with integrity.

We must be ready to acknowledge the intensity of children’s feelings and to allow a free expression of those feelings rather than stifling what we, as adults, find too disturbing to listen to.

We have learnt that, above all, we must be truthful and loving in preparing children for the facts of loss and death. Children and young people easily blame themselves for the death of a deeply loved relative, especially a parent. We can be gentle but strong in holding children emotionally and spiritually, and maybe, physically, while they make sense of human mortality. We have heard of the aunt who gave lasting comfort by saying, ‘I have known death all my life: there is nothing to be frightened of.’

As flawed human beings ourselves, we may make mistakes because of our own fears, sorrow or confusion; but we must return to the child or young person’s side, maybe with stumbling steps, but not with false promises. 

Through play and stories children and young people explore their confusion and hurt. In these ways they may discover a new understanding and hope however sombre this might seem. At each stage of maturing children and young people may need to visit their loss regularly, by being given the open acceptance of loving adults. We can help children create reservoirs of memories to affirm the friendly presence of the dead person in their lives.

At this Gathering, we have revealed our own vulnerability in a safe, supportive, loving environment, and so enabled each other to explore and accept our own feelings as we move towards healing. This 24 hour Gathering, led by two skilled facilitators, has brought us to a place where we recognise how precious this work is. We have learnt that transformation is possible, a transformation that accepts pain and joy exist together.

We feel more ready to accompany children and young people on their own journeying.

An invitation to FLGBTQC Mid-Winter Gathering

Beloved Friends for LGBTQ Concerns,


The theme of our Midwinter Gathering, “Radically Inclusive Beloved Community,” guides our efforts to enable all who are led to attend this gathering to be there.  Travel Assistance funds are but one way in which we attempt to live up to this vision.

Are you led to come to the Midwinter Gathering of Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) Concerns in Portland, Oregon February 14-17, 2014?  If so, please do not allow financial barriers to dissuade you from considering it.  Friends for LGBTQ Concerns is attempting to increasingly live out our values of inclusion, which means we will do our very best to make it possible for all who are so led to come to our gatherings.  You don’t need to identify as LGBT or Q, you don’t need to be a Quaker, and you don’t need to have attended a Friends for LGBTQ Concerns gathering before in order to request financial assistance.  Financial assistance is a major priority for our budget, and there are substantial funds available to help Friends and fellow spiritual travelers attend our Midwinter Gathering.  We ask that you help us to practice living out Beloved Community, and we also ask you to help us practice good stewardship of resources by carefully discerning:

1)      Are you led to come to the Midwinter Gathering 2014?
2)      What method of travel would best represent good stewardship of funds, the earth’s resources, and your personal emotional and physical reserves (e.g., biking, carpooling, taking a bus or train, flying)?
·        Please also consider also the price advantage in booking travel arrangements earlier rather than later.
·        If you are part of a Friends meeting, please consider asking your meeting (whether monthly, quarterly, or yearly) or church to help you attend. That way, FLGBTQC travel money can stretch further, and it can be nice for the home spiritual community to feel connected to the Friends for LGBTQ Concerns community.
·        Could you carpool with others?

3)      What amount of travel funds would be just the right amount to allow you to come?

The 2014 FLGBTQC Midwinter travel assistance application process:

First Round requests due December 6, grants made December 10.  We wish to encourage people to register early when possible in order to 1) make life easier for the hard-working midwinter planning committee and 2) save money by buying tickets earlier.  Co-Clerks will note which applications come in earlier, and at the same time try not to discriminate against Friends who don’t learn until closer to January 1 that they will be able to attend.

Second round: requests due January 1, grants made January 6. Any requests that come in after December 6 will be held until January 1st and considered together then. Also in the second round we may be able to look again at earlier requests that we were not able to fund fully.

To apply for travel funds, please email both co-clerks, at e-mail addresses listed below, by December 6 (first round) or January 1 (second round), putting “FLGBTQC Travel Funds” in the subject line of your e-mail and including the following:

1) Your name, and the name of anyone else included in your request
2) Please share the results of your discernment, as described above, regarding each of the following:
a)      Are you led to come to the Midwinter Gathering 2014?
b)      What method of travel will you use? Please consider what would best represent good stewardship of funds, the earth’s resources, and your personal, emotional, and physical reserves and time available (e.g., biking, carpooling, taking a bus or train, flying)?
c)      What total costs for travel do you anticipate, and how much you are requesting from FLGBTQC?
d)      Where else you are seeking funds?
3) To whom should a travel grant check be made (if funds transfer would be better, e.g if you are outside the US, please indicate this)?
4) Please provide your e-mail and snail mail addresses

Please forward this co-clerks’ love letter widely. Feel free to ask us about anything that is not clear. And please hold us in prayer that we may distribute the funds available so as to both promote the Beloved Community and practice good stewardship of finite funds.

In service, prayer, and love,
Ted Heck and Kathy Beth*
nmbr1flyingace[at]yahoo.com   
kathybethcoclerk[at]gmail.com
 (change the [at] to @ in each email address)

*whose regular attendance at FLGBTQC gatherings has been facilitated by these very funds.

For more information:

• Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns: flgbtqc.quaker.org/
• FLGBTQC Gatherings: http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/gatherings.html
• FLGBTQC Mid-Winter Gathering 2014: https://sites.google.com/site/flgbtqcmw2014/

Blessed Samhain to you

Blessed Samhain to you!

Whether you are Pagan or not, feel free to share: 

• Who are your beloved dead whose memory you are honoring?
• Who are the dead you are glad have gone, whom you are glad to release?
• Who was born in this last year whom you are welcoming?
• What other endings, losses, and new beginnings do you recognize and honor?

 
 Also, Happy New Year to those of us for whom this is a new year... 
 

Edinburgh Solstice Choir starts 21 October

Edinburgh Solstice Choir

Book your place now! 

The Edinburgh Solstice Choir is in preparation to sing in the 3rd Annual Edinburgh Winter Solstice Celebration, on 14 December, 2013.  Come sing with us!

Requirements:

• A commitment to come to rehearsals on Monday nights; to come to the Celebration on 14 December; and to rehearse on your own outside our meeting time.
• You do not need to read music (although if you do, that can be helpful).
• All genders and voice ranges are welcome.  Our music is written for sopranos and altos; we can incorporate tenors and basses as well. 
• There are no dues, but there is a charge of £4 per week to cover room hire for rehearsals.  We offer discounts for concession card holders and non-waged workers.  There is also a discount if you pay for the whole term up-front (£30).
• You may not miss more than two rehearsals unless you make arrangements with the director. 

Where and when:

•   Monday nights, 7-10 pm (with a break in the middle), starting on 21 October
•   The Open Door, 420 South Morningside Road
•   Near the Morningside Clock, served by many bus routes
•   Winter Solstice Celebration on Saturday, 14 December, at a different location

Questions?
If you have any questions or would like to join but aren't sure, please contact stasa dot website at gmail dot com.

Booking
Book your place now!  Booking is free.  Click here.

Songbook and voice part recordings
We have a few copies of the songbook available to borrow during rehearsals, but not to take home.  You may choose to purchase your own copy for £14; it comes with a compact disc that includes recordings of all the songs, and teaching tracks for songs with harmony parts.  You are also strongly encouraged to record voice parts during rehearsals.


http://tinyurl.com/EdinburghSolsticeChoir

Building the labyrinth, part II: Making the full-size labyrinth

In my last two labyrinth posts, I talked about the process of realizing we could build a labyrinth in the workshop at Gathering (here), and how to draw the labyrinth I decided we would build (here).

In this post, I'm going to talk about how we actually built the labyrinth on campus, in the workshop.  Hopefully this will be useful for anyone else who wants to do this, too! 


Beforehand:

There was a bunch of preparation work that had to be done beforehand.

The first was deciding which labyrinth to build.  I drew lots, and lots, and lots of labyrinths in my Book of Shadows.  I wanted one that was long enough to be an interesting walk (and for people to be able to go into trance / have a worshipful experience while walking), but not too long.

Most of the labyrinth designs I saw were either too long and too big, or too short and too small.

I played with a bunch of different seed patterns, and eventually came up with a slightly non-standard seed pattern, which resulted in this six-circuit Cretan-style labyrinth:

6-circuit Cretan-style labyrinth

(Note: click on any picture for a larger version.)

Next, using guidance from this page -- http://www.labyrinthos.net/layout.html -- I had to determine how wide I wanted the paths to be, and how much total space we would need.

With this labyrinth, by counting the paths across the labyrinth, I could see that the space we would need would be 11 times the width of the paths / aisles. 

I wanted our paths to be three feet wide, so that people who use wheelchairs would be able to use the labyrinth, if their wheelchairs could accommodate whatever surface we'd be on and whatever slope it might have.

Therefore, we needed 33 feet of space.

Now to figure out how much rope or ribbon we needed as the guide for where the lines would go.  The ribbon would need to be as long as the radius of the circle, or half the diameter of the circle.  We've already established that the diameter would be 11 path widths, or 33 feet (see above).  Half the diameter, or the radius, would be 5.5 path widths, or 16.5 feet.  I decided I wanted an extra path width, so the person holding that end of the ribbon had some space.  So:

6.5 paths x 3 ft / path = 19.5 ft of ribbon

Because I live in the UK and was buying ribbon in advance, I needed to know how many cm or m:

3 feet / path x 12 in / ft x 2.54 cm / in x 6.5 paths = 594 cm.  I decided to buy 6 m. 

(Kudos to unit analysis learned in chemistry!)

Supplies needed:

• tent stakes / tent pegs, to mark the points in the seed pattern
• a ribbon that is at about 6x the width of the aisles
• a marker to mark the ribbon
• a tape measure
• boundary marker  

There are many materials you can use to mark the boundaries of your paths.  The University where we were doing this wanted us to use field paint, so we did.  (And it was a lot of fun!) 

At this point, before I went any further, I wanted to make sure I really understood this process, and I want to make sure it worked.

I wrote myself a detailed, step-by-step instruction list.  

Then Beloved Wife and I made scale models on paper in our living room.  We took a piece of ribbon, marked it off in 3-inch intervals (1 inch for each foot), took a couple of magic markers, and laid out this labyrinth about three times on big paper on our living room floor.  This was very helpful.

Those two activities together meant I had a very solid understanding of the process, and had the resources to repeat it in large scale and under pressure. 


Beforehand, on-site:

Beloved Wife and I went to the site the Gathering Coordinator had picked, and did the following:

Marked off the ribbon.  First we tied loops on either end of the ribbon, to go around a tent peg on one side, and for a ribbon-minder to hold on the other.  Our paths were going to be three feet.  So our first mark was 1.5 feet from the far end of loop (which I'll call Loop A); the second, 3 feet from the first; and all the rest, 3 feet from the one before it, until we had 7 marks on the ribbon. 

Determined the center of the space so that we would know where the center tent peg was going to go.  Luckily the four trees were nearly equally spaced around the circle, 90 degrees off from each other.  We laid the ribbon down to give us roughly a straight line to follow, and we walked from one tree, heel to toe, across the circle to the one opposite, counting our steps.  Then we walked back half the number of total steps and put a tent stake there.  We did the same with the other two trees -- then had to jiggle a bit to get those two points to agree. 

Put tent pegs in the ground to anchor the seed pattern.   We used 17; we could have used 15, but marking all 17 points gave me additional confidence.

• We placed the center peg, marked here with arrows, at the center of the space, through Loop A on the ribbon.  
• We put two pegs 1/2 path-width to either side of the center peg.  This is the first marking on our ribbon.
• We put two more pegs to the left of the center peg, at 1-width intervals, using the ribbon to show us where.  
• Turning the right angle counterclockwise, we placed three more pegs at 1-width intervals, using the ribbon to show us where.  
• We went back to the center peg, this time turned the corner clockwise, and placed three more pegs at 1-width intervals after the corner, using the ribbon to show us where.  
• We turned the next corner clockwise -- along the "bottom" of the square now -- and placed two pegs at 1-width intervals, using the ribbon to show us where.
• Next we used the ribbon to measure 1-width intervals to place the pegs in the center of the square. 

Now we got out the field paint and began marking the ground:

-- The ground at the center peg (marked in this diagram with arrows).  This is the peg the ribbon would be anchored to. 

-- The ground at the four corner pegs. 

-- The lines of the seed pattern, as below:

• Using the ribbon as a guide, we painted from the first peg to the left of the center peg to the next peg "below" it, then from that peg out to the next peg on the right, making the right angle in the upper right corner, and also marking the ground at the base of the tent peg in the upper right corner.  
• We did the same thing in the diagonally opposite corner, making the right angle in the lower left corner and marking the ground at base of lower left tent peg.  
• Using the ribbon to guide us to a relatively straight line, we painted the diagonal connecting line between the two middle pegs of the right angles.  
• We took the ribbon and put Loop A around the tent peg at the top left.  Using the 1-width unit as a guide, we painted from the first peg to the right of it, to the first peg below it, making the curve at the upper left corner.  
• Similarly, we took the ribbon and put Loop A around the tent peg at the bottom right.  Using the 1-width unit as a guide, we painted from the first peg "above" it to the peg to its left, making the curve at the bottom right corner.

Now we had the seed pattern set and ready to build the labyrinth in the workshop.

We pulled up all the tent stakes (yes, some of them had field paint on them), and left.


Building the labyrinth as a group:

Now came the time for the group to build the labyrinth.

Volunteers needed:

• 2 volunteers to mind the ribbon, 1 at each end
• 6 volunteers to paint the lines (can be done with as few as 1, but it takes longer!)
• 4 peg minders, one at the center peg, and one at each of the two upper corners and the bottom right corner
• The person with the overall vision, directing things

(In reality, we had 3 painters at a time, because we had 3 cans of paint to work with.)

I put the stakes / pegs back in around the outside of the square, and put Loop A of the ribbon over the center tent peg (marked here with arrows). 

First swath: 

• One peg/ribbon minder at the center tent peg, to keep the peg from being pulled out of the ground and the ribbon from getting tangled.  
• One peg minder at the top left corner.  
• Three painters, one each starting from the bottom three pegs on the left-hand side of the square.
• End ribbon minder. 

We started with the ribbon reaching counterclockwise from the center peg, around the top left peg, and down to the bottom left peg.

The end ribbon minder slowly walked the ribbon clockwise, low to the ground, pulling it taut (but not too tight), from the bottom left corner to the top left corner.  The painters followed their marks on the ribbon, spraying the paint on the ground.  The director called for the ribbon to stop when the ribbon came even with the straight line at the top of the square.  The peg minder at the top left corner was the backup person for recognizing when to call the stop. 

Now it looked like this:

Second swath:

• Ribbon/peg minder at the center tent peg, to keep the peg from being pulled out of the ground and the ribbon from getting tangled.  
• Peg minders at the top left corner and top right corner.  
• Six painters.   
• End ribbon minder.

The ribbon is stretched out to the left of the center peg.

Because we had three cans of paint, we did this stretch in two parts, the three inner, and the three outer.

The first time through, we had three painters at the first three pegs / first three marks on the ribbon from the center peg; the next time through, three painters at the second three marks on the ribbon, which lined up with where the first painting had left off. 

The end ribbon minder slowly walked the ribbon clockwise, low to the ground, pulling it taut (but not too tight), from the top left corner to the top right corner.  The painters followed their marks on the ribbon, spraying the paint on the ground.  The director called for the ribbon to stop when the ribbon came even again with the straight line at the top of the square.  The peg minder at the top right corner was the backup person for recognizing when to call the stop. 
 
Now it looked like this:

Third swath:

• Ribbon/peg minder at the center tent peg, to keep the peg from being pulled out of the ground and the ribbon from getting tangled. 
• Peg minders at the top right corner and bottom right corner.  
• Five painters.   
• End ribbon minder. 

The ribbon is stretched out to the right of the center peg.

Because we had three cans of paint, we did this stretch in two parts, the three inner, and the two outer. 

The first time through, we had three painters at the second, third, and fourth marks on the ribbon from the center peg, which lined up with where the last painting had left off; the next time through, two painters at the next two marks on the ribbon, which lined up with where the last painting had left off. 

The end ribbon minder slowly walked the ribbon clockwise, low to the ground, pulling it taut (but not too tight), from the top right corner to the bottom right corner.  The painters followed their marks on the ribbon, spraying the paint on the ground.  The director called for the ribbon to stop when the ribbon came even again with the straight line on the side of the square.  The peg minder at the bottom right corner was the backup person for recognizing when to call the stop. 
 
Now it looked like this:

Fourth swath:

• Ribbon/peg minder at the center tent peg, to keep the peg from being pulled out of the ground and the ribbon from getting tangled. 
• Peg minders at the top right corner and bottom right corner.  
• Two painters.   
• End ribbon minder.

The ribbon is stretched out to the right of the center peg, clockwise around the top right corner, and down the side of the square.

The painters start at the last two marks on the ribbon, painting from where the last painting swath left off.  

The end ribbon minder slowly walked the ribbon clockwise, low to the ground, pulling it taut (but not too tight), from the bottom right corner to the bottom left corner.  The painters followed their marks on the ribbon, spraying the paint on the ground.  The director called for the ribbon to stop when the ribbon came even again with the straight line on the side of the square.  The painters were the backup people for recognizing when to call the stop, which was when their lines joined the ones already painted. 
 
Now it looked like this:

Final bits:

We pulled up all the tent pegs and the ribbon and put them away. 

Now our labyrinth was ready for us to walk!

Hopefully, this will be a useful aid for anyone else who wants to use the method of laying out a labyrinth detailed at http://www.labyrinthos.net/layout.html.

Talking about immunity, or, How to help save a child or teen's life

In March, Madga Pescenye at AskMoxie wrote a lovely, and important, piece about helping our kids navigate the world -- "Let's talk about immunity," http://www.askmoxie.org/2013/03/lets-talk-about-immunity.html 

We talked about this piece a LOT in our house, over meals, during housework, sitting on the sofa talking.  And I realized I had something to write about immunity and my experience.  

Earlier in March, Magda had shared a letter she'd written to her sons (reprinted here with permission) about preventing rape.  In the letter, she wrote:

If it’s not safe... leave the room quietly and calmly and call me. I do not care if you’re someplace you’re not supposed to be, or not the place you told me you were, or in Canada or someplace that would normally get you in a lot of trouble. You get immunity if you’re calling for help. My phone is always on, and it does not matter what time of day or night it is. If I don’t pick up right away, call your dad, and the same immunity rules apply. Call one of us and give us the address of where you are and we will come help.

In "Let's talk about immunity," Madga wrote about an email a reader sent her about that letter:

She knew she could go home. I burst into tears reading that for so many reasons. Thinking about how scared she must have been, how worried her mother must have been, how lucky she was, how sad I am that the classmates tried to rape her and no one intervened, all of it.

But the takeaway for me is that she knew she could go home. That's what I want my boys to know, that they can ALWAYS call home and come home, and they can bring anyone who needs to be safe home here where there's always a hug and someone to listen to your story.

Tell me about a time you needed immunity, or got immunity, or gave immunity, please.

This is a story about a time I needed immunity and didn't have it, and the consequences.

This is surprisingly difficult to write.   In order to explain what happened from the perspective of my teenage self, I have to put myself back into that perspective, where I was as a teenager.  It's not a good place.  I also keep finding it's hard to know where to start. 

In theory, I always had immunity when I was a kid and teenager. 

My parents, my mother especially, made a really big deal out of how I could come to them with any problem, any trouble, and they'd help me; about how I knew I could call any time, day or night, and they would come get me, or take me for help, no questions asked.

But the reality was different.  In reality, I never, ever, had immunity. 

I was nearly always in trouble with my parents and getting punished.  The rules changed all the time, so there was no effective way to keep from getting punished.  Whenever I did bring my parents a problem, they blamed me for bringing it on myself, for getting myself in trouble.  They both blamed me for being bullied in school.  [Trigger warnings to the end of this paragraph.]  My father blamed me for provoking my mother's violence ("She wouldn't hit you if you didn't talk back").  My mother accused me of sleeping with my father.   

I always knew there would be hell to pay if I ever needed something like one of those unconditional safe rides that were so big when I was in high school.  I was supposed to "know better" than to get into those kinds of situations.  My parents said I could call -- that I had better never get myself into that kind of trouble, but that if I did, of course I could call. 

So I always knew that there were conditions, that there would be questions, and most of all, that I would get in huge amounts of trouble if I ever needed that kind of help.

I also knew that if I called for a safe ride, I couldn't count on whomever came arriving any time soon, or being safe to drive.  

If you can't call your parents, you're supposed to call someone else, right?  I knew I'd get in worse trouble if I called some other adult, because then I would have embarrassed my parents by calling someone else, and by letting someone else know I hadn't felt that I could call my parents. 

I had a lot of experience "being in big trouble" with my parents.  The consequences of a safe ride, or going to them or someone else if I was in trouble, were overwhelming.  "Punishment" in my family was terrifying.

I knew never to call my parents, or another adult.  

One night when I was 14, I got stuck between two impossible options: an unsafe situation I couldn't get out of without help, and an unsafe situation if I got in touch with my parents to get me out of it.

There was no way out.  

The guy I was with raped me, then helped me get back into my parents' house without them knowing.

When I was 17, I survived a series of rapes.  When I was 18, I got myself into a survivors' group at the local Rape Crisis Center.

That group saved my life.

Again. 

I had been forced to leave college, and was living with my parents again.  I had to come up with a story about where I was going and why I needed the car for a couple of hours the same night every week.

Finally, I told them the truth.

My mother went on, and on, about how horrible it was that I hadn't trusted her, that I had never told her. 

Looking back at this story, from the perspective of an adult, and not that of a child being brainwashed every day, I see so many things.

I see parents who were abusing their child.  I see parents who were keeping their child isolated to decrease the chances anyone would find out, and to make sure she had no other sources of support, keeping her emotionally and physically dependent on them.  

I see that child abuse put my life in danger, first within my family, then outside it.  I nearly died that night.  But that wasn't the first time, or the last time.

I see how, when I was 14, my "choices" were protection from abusers by a rapist, or protection from a rapist by abusers. 

I see a classic example of how child abuse contributes to an increased risk of sexual assault. 

I see elements in the cascade of consequences that child abuse survivors live with for the rest of our lives.

I see how not having immunity put my life in danger.

Effective immunity could have made such a difference that night.  And not just that night, but for years to come, because the aftermath of rape is life-altering.  

For immunity, you need to know the person picking you up is safe to drive, ie, that they haven't been drinking or taking drugs, that they aren't too angry to drive safely.  I couldn't count on that.

You need to know the person you call for a ride will arrive in a reasonable amount of time.  I couldn't count on that.  

You need to know the adults who are responsible for you won't abuse you because you needed immunity or a saferide.  I couldn't count on that.

Even when kids and teens really, truly can trust their parents or guardians, they are often still afraid of disappointing them.  This is one of those places where having another trusted adult to go to can make such a huge difference. 

I've been very privileged to be able to act as that other adult a few times over the last few decades.  I'm really glad.  It's a privilege.  I'm honored by that trust.  And it's nice to help that happen for someone else. 

Why am I telling you all of this?  There are two things I want you, as you're reading this, to take away from what happened to me:

• How child abuse puts survivors at risk of sexual assault, abuse, and exploitation.  Some of these ways might never have occurred to you, even if you're well-educated in the effects of child abuse and trauma. 

• How effective immunity can save someone's life.  Again, some of these ways might not have occurred to you.  

I was really struck, in the comments at Magda's original post, by the parents with kids who can still call their parents for a ride if they need it, no questions asked -- for example, if they've had too much to drink to drive safely.  That's fabulous.

May you, and may the young people in your life, always have immunity.  Always have a sanctuary, someplace.

Building the labyrinth, part I: Laying it out on paper

I posted recently about the labyrinth my workshop built at FGC Gathering this summer.  I promised I'd post a detailed how-to; here it is!

Part I: Laying it out on paper

First, draw the seed pattern.  I used this seed pattern, but modified:

Original seed pattern

I wanted fewer right angles, but still the suggestion of a heart shape in the middle from having some right angles.  Here is the modification: 

First modification to seed pattern

 However, if you create a labyrinth just from this, you end up with too many choice points, and not a simple, straightforward labyrinth.  (Go ahead and try it without this next step; you'll see.)  So, I added a line: 

Modified seed pattern

First connection:

One connection

Second connection.  Basically, the connections always go from the next unconnected point on one side to the next unconnected point on the other: 

Two connections

Third connection:

Three connections

 Fourth connection:

Four connections

Fifth connection:

Five connections

Sixth and final connection:

Six connections (all connected)

Next post: how we laid this out on the grass!

Draft of Pattern for V-Shawl in Three Colors

Thank you so much to everyone who volunteered to test this pattern for me!

The draft pattern as a .pdf file is available at http://stasa.net/crochet.

There are pictures (and a link to the pattern) on Ravelry: http://www.ravelry.com/projects/stasa/v-shawl-in-3-colors.

There are also now pictures at http://stasa.net/crochet.

Please post questions, feedback, comments, etc., here as you go along.

Thanks again!  Have fun!