Showing posts with label loaded words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loaded words. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Guest post: My loved one did not complete a suicide

Here are some of the posts I promised on this topic for suicide-loss survivors and supporters of those who have tried to die by suicide.  Many thanks to Laura Anderson and Hollis Easter for working with me on this.  Names and identifying features have been altered to protect the identities of those involved.  - sm

My loved one did not complete a suicide

Suicide touched my life when I was young.  I was in sixth grade when my cousin killed himself, and I didn’t really understand how to respond or what I should feel.  But my parents, in spite of their grief, were good about making sure that I was okay.  They checked in with me to ask about my feelings and see that I was grieving in an appropriate way.

Far more difficult for me to process, however, were the attempted but not completed suicides.  I suddenly became caretaker, or helpless, or confused about my role in someone’s life.  Doctors would talk to me about the best way to help my loved one through this tough time.  I would sit in waiting rooms, trying to have conversations but struggling for a good topic.  Some of the other patients had tentative grasps on reality (Tom’s roommate said something about touring with a rock band); some were in rehabilitation for drug addiction; some had attempted suicide; some had made bad decisions (such as attending a party, getting really drunk, and then a couple hours later taking a sleeping pill to help them fall asleep).

Nobody ever asked how I was doing.

My pain was left to me to deal with.  My husband Sean had an emotional meltdown a week after his brother, David, came home.  We had to be strong because Father-in-Law and our final housemate were incapable of dealing with their emotions.  We had to be capable of handling David’s needs, make sure that David’s mother was doing okay (being out of town when your child is hospitalized is awful), managing Father-in-Law’s and housemate’s emotional states, and taking care of our own emotional states.

After my ex-fiancĂ© John came home, his roommate and I had to go through the house and remove any items with which John could injure himself.  We had to help him fill out paperwork and make certain that he made it to doctor’s appointments.  I had to call his boss and tell him that John wouldn’t be coming in to work, call his parents to tell them what had happened, while dealing with the grief of my near-marriage erupting like a volcano only a month prior.  And nobody asked me how I was.

I was too distanced from my sister, and we all had the attitude that she had just been trying to prove a point, to show how desperately in love she was for a boy – she would cut her own wrist for him.  My parents and I dealt with the pain by accusing and grumbling. 

Nobody asked me how I was dealing with it.

The only time someone ever asked how I was doing was when my cousin killed himself.  But that was the easiest, emotionally, for me to deal with.  I didn’t have to look him in the eye and know that he was suffering so badly that his only option was to kill himself, but that he had not completed the suicide and was now in an uncertain position with people around him.  There was no awkwardness, no trying to get him to open up, to talk to us, to talk to a therapist, to take medication.  I was allowed to talk about my pain, I was allowed to cry, I was allowed to grieve.

But the other three times, I had to be strong.  My loved one needed me more.  They needed me to take care of them, to help them out, to be willing to listen at any time of day or night.  Nobody really considered that I, too, might be struggling with this situation.

By the time David had his crisis, I had a decent idea of how to handle my emotions.  I knew that I needed an outlet, needed a way to relax and take the stress off.  I scheduled time to drive down to visit my parents and spend the day with them.  They were so removed from the situation that I was able to clear my head a little bit and actually enjoy myself.

Then I was able to start talking.  I talked to my husband about my emotions.  I made sure he was okay, because this was his first brush with suicide, whether completions or attempts.  We sat and cried together.  We hugged each other.

But we had no real resources, because nobody thought to ask how we were doing.  Everyone’s concern was for our loved one, who had attempted but not completed suicide.

I wish I had some great advice to give to all of you who are dealing with an attempted suicide that was not completed.  But I don’t.  Because when a loved one attempts suicide but does not die, everyone focuses on taking care of that loved one.  We have an attitude that they “sank really low” (I hate that terminology, by the way) and needed us to help them regain good mental health.  And while that’s true, we tend to forget that people are dealing with the fact that somebody they love tried to kill themselves. 

How do you deal with that?  The only thing I really know is this: comfort in and dump out.  When you have someone in crisis, you want to comfort that person but not neglect your own emotional state.  So you talk about it to people who are more distanced from the crisis and offer comfort to those who are closest to the crisis. http://www.girlfriendcircles.com/blog/index.php/2013/04/how-to-respond-to-a-friend-in-crisis/

This means realizing that you are upset.  That you’re dealing with an emotionally charged situation, and that you’re not okay.  And it’s fine to not be okay.  Just because your loved one is dealing with powerfully negative emotions doesn’t mean that your pain is meaningless.  Just because they are hurting doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to hurt too.  You need to be tactful and sensitive to their pain, but you must also acknowledge your own pain and work through it.  Join a support group.  Talk to a friend.  Find a therapist.  Go out to breakfast with your parents.  Cuddle your cat or dog.  Cry.  Sob.  Write blog posts.  Write personal essays.

Just make sure that you don’t neglect yourself just because someone you love is hurting.

-- Laura Anderson

-- 

If you are thinking about dying by suicide, please, talk to someone.

This article can give you some ideas about what to expect when you call a suicide hotline: http://www.holliseaster.com/p/call-suicide-hotline/
  • In the US, anyone can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline free from anywhere at 1-800-273-TALK.   You can also livechat from their website, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
  • In the US, LGBT youth (ages 24 and younger) can reach the Trevor Project Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386.  You can also text or chat: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now#tt
  • In the US and Canada, transgender, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming people can also call the Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860.  Please see their website to confirm staffing times: http://www.translifeline.org/
  • In the UK, you can call the Samaritans anytime, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on 08457 90 90 90. 
  • In Scotland, you can call the Breathing Space phoneline, which is available 24 hours at weekends (6pm Friday - 6am Monday), and 6pm - 2am on weekdays (Monday - Thursday), on 0800 83 85 87. 

You are sacred.  Your life matters. 

Guest post: Visiting Hours

Here are some of the posts I promised on this topic for suicide-loss survivors and supporters of those who have tried to die by suicide.  Many thanks to Laura Anderson and Hollis Easter for working with me on this.  - sm 

Introduction

When you pass through the doors of a psychiatric ward or hospital, you enter a place with stark truths on display, in which illusions are to be stripped away and lives rebuilt. There's a profound and unsettling honesty in the struggles you see there. The deep stuff comes out: the anguish, the terror, the shifting sense of what is real and what is illusory, the loneliness, the grief, the anger, the pain. Amid it all, often, you see hope. But whatever you see, the truths carry a lot less varnish here than in the world outside.

The essence of compassion (literally, suffering with another) is to stand shoulder to shoulder with others in their pain. To look, together, at the hard things in their lives, doing our best not to flinch in the looking. To offer support and to be present in whatever comes.

Challenging under any circumstances. So much more so when offering compassion involves entering that space yourself, leaving your own grief and fears and pain outside in a dusty waiting-room locker, working to shape yourself into the support they asked you to be. It's tough, important, exhausting work. If _mitzvot_ are sacred kindnesses without hope of repayment, surely this must be one.

Laura's piece gazes with compassion at the act of visiting people in a hospital, looking with kindness and candor at the meaning and the costs of generosity and support. It admits that we cannot always fix what hurts those we care about, exhorts us to try anyway, and acknowledges that the emotional toll of caring can be huge.

--
Hollis Easter, MS
holliseaster@gmail.com / @adkpiper on Twitter
http://www.holliseaster.com/blog/ : articles about suicide intervention, teaching, instructional design, etc.

--

Visiting Hours

We were there as the only support structures that they had, the people they begged to see, begged to bring them new clothes, toothpaste, play a game for the short visiting hours.  We drove from an hour away, or two hours, or five minutes and smiled and gave them hugs and they would tell us how their day went, how group therapy was, how art therapy was, if they’d managed to sleep in spite of room checks and lights on in the hallways.

Or we were desperately trying to get through to them even though they didn’t want to see us, even if they stared at us with dull eyes and sat in their chairs, unmoving, unresponsive as we tried to engage them, tried to remind them that we loved them.  They wouldn’t answer our questions, or maybe they didn’t know the answers.

 They hallucinated.  Or they were suicidal.  Or they could fly into a rage and threaten to kill.  They were here because they had nowhere else to go, and we were here because we felt responsible for them.  We were their brothers and sisters, their husbands or wives, and we brought their children or mothers or fathers and passed on messages to friends who were worried.  Or we didn’t tell anybody because they didn’t want the public to know, so we bore our struggles in silence and tried to support them, tried to push aside how we felt so that we could take care of them.

They blamed us.  Or they thanked us.  They said they only tried it because of us, because we pushed them too much, because we had unreasonable expectations.  That if we had been nicer to them, if we had listened when they talked, if we hadn’t been so wrapped up in ourselves, it never would have happened.   They said it was because of us they were alive.  We had listened when they most needed it, we had been there to support them, make sure they got the help they needed, insist that they go somewhere where they can’t harm anybody – including themselves – it was only then that they realized what a problem they had.  How they hadn’t realized how far they had fallen, how dark their world was, how wrong it was that they wanted to end it.  Or they wished we hadn’t helped them, that we had ignored them and let them die because living sucked and they were done with it and we had to wonder how soon after they were released they would try again or maybe this time succeed.

We had seen it coming.  We knew they were depressed.  Or that their breakup had been bad.  We knew that they weren’t on medication for their schizophrenia, or they had stopped taking it because they were “fine.”  Maybe we hadn’t seen it, though.  Instead, we were too wrapped up in our own lives.  We thought they should have been able to deal with the breakup.  They should have been on their meds.

We blamed them.  If only they had been stronger.  Why couldn’t they deal with this?  We’ve all been through it and we weren’t suicidal.  Didn’t they know that bipolar disorder created extreme depression or mania?  Why would anybody in their position stop taking their meds?  Why would anybody with depression refuse to start taking meds?  I don’t like doctors and I don’t like pills isn’t good enough, we thought.  Why didn’t they come to us sooner?  We would have listened.

We blamed ourselves.  How couldn’t I have seen this?  I should have known.  We were glad we got there in time because how guilty would we feel?  How terrible would it be, knowing the should-haves, would-haves, if-onlys?  Why didn’t we make ourselves available to them?  Why didn’t we ask how they were doing?

We left at the end of visiting hour, offering hugs and kisses, promises of future visits, hopes that the next day would be better, hopes that they would continue to heal.  We asked that they continue taking their meds, that they talk to their doctors, talk to their psychiatrists, talk to each other.  Whatever they needed to heal.

We left in pairs, offering each other comfort: we had done the right thing by visiting.  We drove home, but we didn’t really talk to each other about what we were feeling.  We didn’t want it to be our pain, because it was about them and their need to heal.  So we stayed quiet.  We pretended that we were okay.  When they were released – if they were released – we didn’t tell them about the pain they had caused us.  How their actions had damaged us.

We told ourselves it wasn’t about us.  Maybe we even believed it.  But we neglected ourselves.  We neglected the real pain we suffered.

But we cannot neglect ourselves any longer.  We must accept that we hurt, too.  That it might have been about them, but we suffered too.

-- Laura Anderson

-- 

If you are thinking about dying by suicide, please, talk to someone.

This article can give you some ideas about what to expect when you call a suicide hotline: http://www.holliseaster.com/p/call-suicide-hotline/
  • In the US, anyone can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline free from anywhere at 1-800-273-TALK.   You can also livechat from their website, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
  • In the US, LGBT youth (ages 24 and younger) can reach the Trevor Project Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386.  You can also text or chat: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now#tt
  • In the US and Canada, transgender, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming people can also call the Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860.  Please see their website to confirm staffing times: http://www.translifeline.org/
  • In the UK, you can call the Samaritans anytime, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on 08457 90 90 90. 
  • In Scotland, you can call the Breathing Space phoneline, which is available 24 hours at weekends (6pm Friday - 6am Monday), and 6pm - 2am on weekdays (Monday - Thursday), on 0800 83 85 87. 

You are sacred.  Your life matters. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Being in community when our Gods are different

This autumn, I had the privilege to attend Rhiannon Grant's workshop "Or Whatever You Call It" with F/friends from South East Scotland Area Meeting (Quakers).  It was an interesting and fun workshop, and I'm glad we brought it to SESAM.

Much of Grant's work with Quakers centres on how modern Friends use language to talk about That-Which-Is-Sacred, and is particularly informed by philosophy.  My work amongst Friends starts from experience, and then comes to language pretty quickly: we need language to reflect our experience, to be able to talk to each other about it, one way to be in spiritual community with each other.  And Quakers are very wordy, very language-oriented people.  So her approach was really interesting for me.  

After spending the day in different kinds of exercises, thinking and talking about different words, and what they mean, and why, and different names for Whatever You Call It, we settled into large-group worship-sharing with this query:

Does telling your truth require you to use any particular words? 

Quite a lot came bubbling up for me during this worship.

----------------

In order to be a faithful Friend, {my truth requires me to / Goddess requires me to / I must} use words some Friends often react to with hostility.  Goddess.  Witch.  Pagan.  Priestess.  Gods.  But other minority Friends, especially other Pagan and non-Christian Friends, are often very relieved to hear those words.

If I am speaking my own truth, in my own words, not translating into other people's words / language, then yes, it does require particular words.

To what extent are we obligated to translate as we speak?  As we listen?  Why am I so often, as a minority, the person expected to do both?

I, as a non-Christian Friend, am expected to be conversant about Jesus.  Why aren't other Friends expected to be conversant with other Gods?

Yes, well, Quakerism is also historically white and straight as well.

Gods, plural.  If you want me to take your relationship with Jesus, Spirit, God, Whatever You Call It, seriously, and I want you to take my relationship with the Goddess / the Gods seriously, we both have to allow as how they both might exist -- and are not the same.

---------------- 

Among Friends, I no longer have to pretend my wife is a man and I'm in a mixed-gender relationship.  I no longer have to translate into heterosexual marriage terms for other Friends.

I should not have to pretend I'm in relationship with a different Deity than the One(s) I am in relationship with, either.

If you want me to take your relationship with Jesus, Spirit, God, Whatever You Call It, seriously, then you need to take my relationship with the Goddess / the Gods seriously.  

Brigid is not Jesus in a skirt.  And the Cailleach is neither.

I am talking about radical equality.

Jesus is a privileged god in Quakerism.

Jesus cannot be a privileged god if we are all Friends and all Friends are equal.

What does radical equality ask of each of us when it comes to being present with, bearing witness to, each others' spiritual lives?  When it comes to being in spiritual community with one another?  

Friday, December 5, 2014

The queer surcharge

Let's talk about the queer surcharge for a moment. 

Here's just one example: 

People in mixed-gender legal marriages, how much did it cost you to get married?  I don't mean the ceremony, the reception, and all that stuff -- I mean the marriage license, the legal part, where you went down to city hall or the registry office or wherever and filled out paperwork and got a piece of paper (or several) back.  How much did your marriage license cost?  If a ceremony was a legal requirement for your marriage license to be valid -- it is in some jurisdictions -- then go ahead and add in the cost of a registry office, or justice of the peace, or similar, ceremony. 

Now, how many marriage licenses, or equivalent, have you had to obtain for your current marriage?  For that one marriage, for you to be married to the same person? 

Most of your friends in same-gender marriages, when we've had access to legal recognition of our relationships at all -- through domestic partnerships, civil unions, civil partnerships, or even civil marriage -- have had to do this many times.  Each time we move, each time the law where we live changes, we have to get re-married. 

And it almost always costs money EACH TIME. 

That adds up. 

And we're not even talking about the costs in time, energy, and resources other than money. 

We're also not even talking about other ways which being someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer costs more money than being someone who is straight does. 

So, allies: something to think about.  Ignorance -- "Gosh, I had no idea!"-- is not an excuse. 

----------

For more information on having to get married over and over and on the queer surcharge, see:

Monday, July 28, 2014

Who is remembered, lives: Margot Adler

I learned today that Margot Adler has died. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the earth
That formed a witch like me
I once was burned, but now I thrive
Was hanged but now I sing

'Twas grace that drew down the moon
And grace that raised the sea
The magick of the people's will
Will set our Mother free!

Rest in peace, Margot. Who is remembered, lives. May your memory always be a blessing.

-----------

Related post: Margot Adler's "Amazing Grace," without shame

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Epistle from the Polyamorous and/or Kinky Friends Retreat

Sharing.  - sm

Dear Friends,

During the weekend of March 21, 2014, a small group of Friends who identify as polyamorous and/or kinky met together in retreat for fellowship and discernment, with a focus on the intersection of spirituality and sexuality. We enjoyed good food and warm fires as we shared stories and got to know each other better.

We are part of a larger group of Friends who have been meeting during FGC Gatherings and FLGBTQC Midwinter Gatherings over the last few years, and this was our first opportunity for such an extended time together. We continue to wrestle worshipfully with questions of how we might be more integrated into the wider community of the Religious Society of Friends. We long to have our relationships recognized and respected, but we also hope to share our gifts, talents, and ministry.  We are abundantly blessed with gifts for open-hearted loving, and experienced with the radical honesty that our relationships call us to. We hold ourselves to high standards of integrity, truth, and faithfulness, and it pains us that we are limited in the expression of our gifts by common misunderstandings of who we are and what we do.

We wonder why the Divine has brought us together, and what our faithful work might be. We are on a path that is not clear to us, but despite our fears and uncertainties, we strive to be faithful, and to use the relative privilege and safety we enjoy to begin work that we hope will increase understanding, grace, and love. Sending this epistle in the tradition of Friends is our next step. We welcome your prayers as our work continues and our path slowly unfolds before us.

In love and faithfulness,

SH, Daniel C. Hall, David, Vonn New, Adlai, Su Penn, Ann, SW, CL, and Judy

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

On Violence and Language (the Day After the Explosions at the Boston Marathon)

I wrote this for my friends on Facebook.  And then people kept asking me if they could share it.  I am honored.  

Also, I am grateful to my professors in Third World Politics at UMBC for helping me to learn to think critically about these issues, and to Professor Clark R. McCauley at BMC for the opportunity I had to do research under his guidance into the development and prevention of violence in political movements. 

- sm

Beloved friends,

When you find yourself wanting to use the word "terrorist" right now in the wake of the explosions at the Boston Marathon, I invite you to think first.

"Terrorism" is political violence, whether it's violence from below (guerrilla groups) or violence from above (governments). "Terrorism" is not actually a catch-all term for senseless, deliberate violence inflicted by people on other people, though that's how we've come to use it.

What happens if, instead of using the word "terrorism," you use the phrase "political violence"? What does that do to the ways you think about and understand the situation, whether it's what happened in Boston, or another situation?

Contrary to popular belief, we cannot read the minds of those who perpetrate violence, though it's very tempting, because it allows us to make them "other" -- Not Like Us -- and easier for us to think we would never do such a thing.

But that is dangerous, for several reasons. One is that incorrect assumptions make it harder, not easier, to prevent future violence, and when we pretend we can read minds and therefore know motivations, we are making incorrect assumptions.

But one of the most important ways this is dangerous is that the primary thing which makes such violence possible is Other-ing. Specifically, seeing people as Other to the point where they are no longer considered fully human. Where we might not commit violence against other human beings, it's easier to commit violence against pigs.

Language choice is an essential step in this process towards violence.

I am not making this up. Decades of research into political violence, some of which I have been part of, bear this out.

So in the midst of this hurt and shock, I invite you to think. And I invite you to refuse to perpetuate the cycle of violence in the language you use.

Love and blessings,
Staṡa Morgan-Appel

-----------------

(c) 2013 Stasa Morgan-Appel.  Permission to reprint with attribution.  
And please do leave a comment here with the link!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Sexism and size-ism in health care

I follow Ragen Chastain's blog, Dances with Fat (http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/blog/).

Today I was reading an article of hers which jolted me and got me to see a bunch of things differently than I usually do -- in one of those lightning-flash kinds of ways:

Many people who contacted me were told that it was simply impossible to properly diagnose someone of their BMI, or that treating them is a “waste of time” since they are likely to re-injure themselves anyway.  One woman was told that, at 5’4, 250 pounds, she was simply to big to get an MRI. 
I find that interesting because last week the following people received the absolute best medical  treatment, including in some cases MRI,  with no discussion of weight loss at all: 
6’2, 308 pounds   – knee injury – “class 3 obesity” (Super Fat!)
6’4, 285 pounds – arm injury – “class 2 obese”
6’4, 263 pounds – ankle injury – “class 1 obese”
6’3, 260 pounds  – achiles injury – “class 1 obese” 
These are, in fact, just a handful of “obese” people who were afforded evidence-based medical care for injuries without being required to lose weight and despite the fact that they are very, very likely to re-injure themselves. 
Read on:
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2013/01/15/if-these-guys-can-get-healthcare/

The message, to me, is really clear:
  • If you are male and are "obese" and play (American) football (especially for the NFL), you get one standard of care.  
  • If you are female and are "obese", it doesn't much matter what activities you're capable of -- international competitive dance being one -- and you get a different standard of care.  One where you don't actually get treatment for what's wrong with you.  

This leads me to ask:
  • What activities do we, as a society, place value on?  
  • Which people are we willing to treat with evidence-based care, and which people do we demand undergo "treatments" that have no supporting evidence, but lots of supporting cultural narrative?  
  • Why do our cultural narratives support evidence-based care for one group, but not another?  


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Recommended article: "Things I Wish White Pagans Realized"

"Things I Wish White Pagans Realized"
http://sacredprofanity.com/2012/08/28/things-i-wish-white-pagans-realized

...far too often, the question of racism in paganism, along with all the other -isms that exist in society get brushed aside, silenced when mentioned, or are casually dismissed as being ‘not important to the circle and its workings’.  So, here’s my list of things I wish white Pagans realized when PoC (Pagans of Color) join the circle, (all of these are written in the first person singular, because these are things I WISH they realized, each PoC’s list will be different by a little or a lot, that is part of the joy of dealing with people NOT as a single voice for their ETHNICITY OR RACE, but as the INDIVIDUALS they ARE): (Read more...)

YES, yes, yes.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Also reposted at Daughters of Eve (in a font  I find easier to read):
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/daughtersofeve/2012/09/guest-post-things-i-wish-white-pagans-realized/

Monday, September 3, 2012

Ritual outline for Meeting for Worship

There is an arc to the ritual in unprogrammed Quaker Meeting for Worship. 

It's plain to me.  And it's something I can't help seeing, with my background and training -- in my undergraduate and graduate studies; in my spiritual and religious work; as a Friend; as a Priestess & Witch.

I've written and talked about this in Meeting for Worship some before, including in "'Four Doors to Meeting for Worship' from a Quaker Witch's Perspective" (http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.com/2009/03/adult-religious-education-presentation.html). 

But I've been thinking about it a lot again lately.  

* * * * *

Here's the ritual outline for how Meeting for Worship went in one of the Meetings where I was active for several years:

Outline for Meeting for Worship at [Blank] Friends Meeting: 
  • Gather
  • Meeting for Worship begins when first person starts to worship, usually a few minutes before 11:00 am
  • 11:10, doors close; latecomers are not admitted until children leave
  • There might or might not be vocal ministry
  • At 11:20, an appointed person signals that it's time for the children to leave; the children leave worship and latecomers enter worship
  • There might or might not be vocal ministry 
  • At 11:50, the appointed person stands and explains Joys and Sorrows
  • Joys and Sorrows
  • At app. 12:00, the appointed person shakes hands with the person next to them; shaking of hands continues
  • The appointed person stands, makes some routine/regular/repeated announcements about the Meeting; welcomes newcomers and visitors and asks them and those who have not been there for a while to stand and introduce themselves; makes additional announcements and passes out printed announcements; requests donations; other Friends may ask to make other announcements; eventually, appointed person declares we are done and invites everyone to social hour / coffee, tea, snacks
  • Room is cleaned up

That looks like a ritual outline to my experienced eye.  A pretty simple ritual outline, but a ritual outline. 

How does this look in other Meetings, or in general?

Well, as with all ritual, there are things we need to do ahead of time, and there's what happens during the event itself. 

Ahead of time:
  • Make sure the chairs and/or benches are set up the right way / the way we like them / the way approved by the appropriate committee (Worship and Ministry, Ministry and Counsel, Elders & Overseers, etc) -- whether in a circle, in rows, in squares
  • Put small tables between some of the chairs
  • Put the central table in place
  • Make sure the guest book is in its place, that it has a pen, and that the light is on over the guest book, etc.
  • Put books and literature on facing benches or central table, some on smaller tables: Faith and Practice, Advices and Queries, different versions of Hebrew and Christian scriptures, hymnals, printed announcements, the monthly newsletter, other announcements, etc.
  • Put bowls for contributions on central table or envelopes for contributions on facing benches or appropriate places
  • Put carafe of water and empty glasses on central table (or appropriate places)
  • Put flowers on central table (or appropriate places)
  • Turn on loop hearing system
  • Decide who closes Meeting
  • Decide who speaks at rise of Meeting
  • Decide who has care of Meeting (which member/s of Worship & Ministry or Ministry & Counsel, Elders & Overseers, etc., are expected to be present)
  • If there's a special collection, decide who will talk about it
  • If children are present for the first part of worship, decide who determines when it's time for them to leave
  • Decide who will clean up room; if it's a rented/hired space, who puts chairs back, etc.
  • Determine who is responsible for social hour -- coffee / tea / snacks / etc. -- providing these, serving these, cleaning up afterwards, etc.
  • Decide who closes the doors to latecomers and who opens them again

Some of these don't apply to every Quaker Meeting; there are other things I haven't listed here that could also be included. 

During Meeting for Worship: 
  • Gather
  • Greeters / doorkeepers greet people at the door(s), makes sure newcomers know where to go, especially newcomers with children
  • Meeting for Worship begins when first person starts to worship 
  • Those who have official roles take their places -- care of Meeting / Elders & Overseers / members of Worship & Ministry or Ministry & Counsel, person closing Meeting, person handling announcements, etc.
  • There might or might not be vocal ministry
  • Greeters / doorkeepers / appointed person(s) close doors to keep latecomers from entering
  • If children are present for the first part of worship, children leave after X minutes
  • Latecomers enter; if not when children leave, greeters / doorkeepers / appointed person(s) open doors at pre-arranged time for latecomers
  • There might or might not be vocal ministry
  • If children come into worship later, or leave and return, children enter worship after Y minutes
  • There might or might not be vocal ministry
  • If Joys and Sorrows, Joys and Sorrows
  • Shaking of hands by appointed person at appointed time
  • Appointed person welcomes everyone and speaks about the Meeting in general, including requesting donations; also asks visitors, newcomers, and those returning after absences to introduce themselves
  • In some Meetings, all present introduce themselves
  • The children may share what they did during First Day School / Children's Meeting
  • Appointed person makes announcements; there may be additional announcements from the floor
  • If there is a special collection, a different appointed person speaks about that organization and requests money
  • There may be a reading from Advices & Queries
  • There may be a brief resumption of silent worship
  • Appointed person "releases" the meeting
  • Room is cleaned up

Again, some of these don't apply to every Quaker Meeting, and there are other things I haven't listed here that could also be included.

So, yes, we have ritual.

One question is, are we honest about it?

* * * * *

Friends (Quakers) like to say we don't have ritual.

Before I ever started attending Meeting for Worship regularly, I had a fair amount of experience as a Priestess & Witch analyzing spiritual and religious ritual, as well as some experience and undergraduate training with cultural ritual, too.  And as I spent more time in unprogrammed Meeting for Worship, it became pretty obvious to me that Quakers have ritual, without calling it that.

September 11, 2001, further convinced me of this.  That week, my Meeting, like many others, hosted Meetings for Worship outside our regular Sunday, or First Day, worship.  Suddenly, just how much ritual was involved each week became clearer to me.

Because the usual people from the usual committee were not always available, other people, who were less practiced, had to set up for Meeting for Worship, had to "run" Meeting for Worship, had to end it, had to herd people out at the end, etc.

Because we have no clergy / we're all clergy, and because we believe we all know how to do this, no one made plans ahead of time for who was responsible for worship -- and those of us from the Meeting who showed up found it hard going when we arrived.  Where were the guest book and pen?  The bibles and hymnals and copies of Faith and Practice for the facing benches?  Should we have informational pamphlets available?  Which ones?  Where are they stored?  Since we had so many people from the community, should someone introduce and explain Meeting for Worship at the beginning?  Who would close Meeting?  Did anyone have "care of Meeting," the particular task of holding the Meeting for Worship in the Light and helping to center it?  Should someone speak at the end after the shaking of hands?  What would they say?  (What did the usual people say?  Where was the script they used -- ?)

We muddled through.  It was stressful.

It was illuminating.

A few years later, I gained further academic experience analyzing ritual in religious and spiritual contexts.  From a religious studies point of view, from a ritual studies point of view, yes, Quakers have ritual.

It's very simple ritual.  But it's there. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My radical feminism has no room for hate speech

woman power
public domain, via Wikimedia
A while back, a feminist acquaintance on Facebook invited me to a radical feminist conference at the end of July in Portland, OR (USA).

I have identified as a feminist all my life, and as a radical feminist since first coming to understand what radical feminism is.  That hasn't changed in decades.

(See this recent blog post: "A very brief introduction to Radical Feminism," at http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/very-brief-introduction-to-radical.html.)


So I thought, Cool!  I'll check this out.

But in good conscience, I can't go.  And I can't in good conscience recommend it to other people, either.  In fact, I hope none of my friends or colleagues goes.  

Whyever not?

The organizers have expressed cissexism, transphobia, and outright hate speech toward transgender women.

From the invitation I received, I couldn't tell if transgender women were welcome.  So I asked, rather than assume welcome or not welcome. And the organizers reacted not just with cissexisst and transphobic language, but with outright hate speech.

Not just in response to me, but in response to other women who asked.

Here are some of my problems with this:
  • Hate speech promotes violence.
  • Hate speech against transgender women promotes violence against transgender women.
  • Hate speech against transgender women promotes violence against all women.
  • Hate speech against transgender women promotes violence against everyone who doesn't toe the line when it comes to gender stereotypes.

A few terms

I'm not an expert, and I'm not going to try to incorporate a thorough introduction to all these terms into this post.  So, for now / for going on with:

Transphobia:
http://civilliberty.about.com/od/gendersexuality/g/transphobia.htm

Cisgender, cissexism, cis privilege:
http://juliaserano.livejournal.com/14700.html

Stereotypes:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stereotype

Some more terms: cisgender, transgender, genderqueer

I'm a cisgender woman -- cis as in same or on the same side (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cis-).

Put very, very simply, the body I was born into matches pretty much with my gender identity.

Not everyone is born into a body that matches with their gender identity. I know a number of transgender people -- trans as in across, or on the other side of (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trans) -- and also a number of genderqueer people, who don't necessarily identify on a gender binary.

Again, I am putting all this very, very simply.  I'm not trying to do an exhaustive Introduction to Transgender and  GenderQueer Issues, just give anyone to whom this is brand-new enough to go on with, at least in terms of reading the rest of this article.

I studied chemistry as an undergraduate and as a post-baccalaureate student; the language of cisgender and transgender has always made sense to me.

I don't buy that it's language foisted onto women by a dominant majority, any more than I buy that the term straight is language foisted onto women by a dominant majority.

As cisgender women, we are part of the dominant gender majority.  And we enjoy cisgender privilege.  Just as straight women are part of the dominant heterosexual (and monosexual) majority.  And enjoy straight/heterosexual and monosexual privilege.  See above.

I wrote about this a little in a recent post ("Pagan values, feminism, and transgender women," at http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/pagan-values-feminism-and-transgender.html), and I'll expand on just one small angle of cisgender privilege for a moment: choosing to wear a skirt or trousers, and hair length.

As a cisgender woman, I have more freedom to choose to wear a skirt or trousers, and to choose to wear my hair long or short, than do my transgender sisters.  Because I am a cisgender woman, I face less censure -- including from other feminists -- than do my transgender sisters if I wear trousers or wear my hair short, if I don't conform to feminine gender stereotypes in my appearance.  Because I am a cisgender woman, I am also physically safer than are my transgender sisters if I wear trousers, or wear my hair short -- if I don't conform to feminine gender stereotypes in my appearance.  I am less likely to be assaulted or killed.

This is cisgender privilege. 

Another term: hate speech

Hate speech falls into two categories: that within the purview of the law, and that outside the purview of the law.  According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hate_speech):

Hate speech within the purview of the law:

...is any speech, gesture or conduct, writing, or display which... may incite violence or prejudicial action against or by a protected individual or group, or... disparages or intimidates a protected individual or group.

Gender identity is one of those characteristics.  

Hate speech outside the purview of the law -- ie, culturally -- is:

...any communication that vilifies a person or a group on the basis of race, color, ethnicity, gender, disability, sexual orientation, nationality, religion, or other characteristic.

Gender identity is one of those "other characteristics."  

My radical feminism does its best not to include cissexism or transphobia.

My radical feminism absolutely doesn't include hate speech.

Hate speech and violence

You may be thinking, "Oh, come on.  'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me.'"  You'd be wrong.  Or, "Oh, grow up and put your big-girl panties on; what does it matter what words people use?"

It turns out, a lot.

no hate (black text hate in a red circle with slash through it)
public domain, via Wikimedia


Language that dehumanizes other human beings, that allows us to think of them as Other, as not-us, as not fully human, is what allows us -- even when we start out committed to non-violence -- to commit violence against those very same people.

Groups and movements that use dehumanizing language and language that vilifies other human beings are more prone to violence -- even when they begin with a commitment to non-violence; even when they believe they retain a commitment to non-violence.

The research has demonstrated this, over and over.

Our experience has demonstrated this, over and over.

(See "The growth of political violence in the United States, http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2009/06/growth-of-political-violence-in-united.html.) 

There is no place in my radical feminism for violence or for behaviors that promote it.  

For more on this, and the connection between hate speech against transgender women and violence, see my recent post for the Pagan Values Project, "Pagan values, feminism, and transgender women," at http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/pagan-values-feminism-and-transgender.html. 

Cisgender-only space?  Transgender-inclusive space?

So: I'm a radical feminist, and I'm a cisgender woman, and I'd been invited to a radical feminist conference.  And I couldn't tell if it was open to transgender women. 

I know a number of transgender women who are radical feminists.  Actually, most of the transgender women I know are feminists, and of them, many are radical feminists.  From my perspective as a cisgender woman -- worth not much in this situation -- this makes sense to me; from what several friends have said to me, and from what I've observed, feminist analysis is one of the only ways to make sense of many of life's experiences as a transgender woman.  But the point is, I'm not a transgender woman -- I don't have the authority of that experience.  My transgender sisters do. 

I also know a number of cisgender women, feminists and not, who are uncomfortable with transgender women in general.  And I know a number of cisgender women, feminists and not, who are uncomfortable with transgender women in women-only space.
 
I can accept this, even when it makes me sad, or uncomfortable, or angry, or confused, or empathetic.  Patriarchy and violence against women have damaged us all.  Some of the reasons are ones I can't help feeling are legitimate, even if they make me squirm.  Other reasons are ones I have trouble with, but try not to judge, or try not to judge harshly.

I remember when I was new to this and trying to sort out where my own integrity led me with respect to transgender inclusion.

(I read that now, and can't help reacting: as if transgender women are somehow separate and apart, "other," asking to be let in, and not in many cases women who've been right here all along.  Kind of like the situation with lesbians with NOW and the second wave of feminism in the US in the 1960s and 1970s.)

(More on that here:
http://outhistory.org/wiki/Radicalesbians#Other_Origins:_Homophobia_in_the_Women.E2.80.99s_Liberation_Movement)

Some women-only groups actively engage with this discomfort and struggle around the issue, or question, of whether their women-only space should be cisgender-only space or inclusive of transgender women.

I have been involved with groups that have handled this issue with the best of intentions and yet handled it poorly and painfully for all involved.  I have also been blessed to be involved with one group in particular where this issue has been handled imperfectly, but with grace, love, openness, and patience, and where I have learned a lot.

I have learned that it is absolutely possible for me, as a survivor of violence against women and girls, to be in women-only space with other women who have some characteristics (physical or socialized) that may trigger flashbacks to that violence, and feel quite safe.

This is a blessing.

This has also helped me sort out when I am safe in other environments where I am not in danger but where there are triggers.  What's more, it has helped me assess the situation more accurately when I truly am in danger.

This is helpful and useful.

I have also learned that it's possible for me to be in mixed-gender, woman-centered space, or mixed-gender, mixed-orientation, queer-focused space, and feel quite safe, because even if it's not women-only or queer-only, it's woman-centered or queer-centered.  

All of these things also allow me to be in space where my transgender sisters feel safe and have refuge -- and in mixed-gender queer-centered space, where my transgender brothers and genderqueer siblings feel safe and have refuge.   

This is very important to me.  

Some women-only groups refuse to engage actively with this discomfort and struggle around the issue, or question, of whether their women-only space should be cisgender-only space or transgender-inclusive.

Instead, they either sweep it under the rug, or outright declare that "women-only" absolutely and obviously means "cisgender women-only."

In short, that transgender women aren't women. That only cisgender women are women.

This really makes me uncomfortable. This is women, often feminists, collaborating with the oppression of another minority.  This is women, often feminists, collaborating with the oppression of other women.  This is participating in cissexism and transphobia.  This is not challenging our discomfort, not dealing honestly with our cissexism, our transphobia, and our discomfort.

Cisgender women don't get to decide who all women are.

Cisgender women don't get to decide who all women are, not any more than straight women get to decide who all women are.  When straight women have tried to do this in the past, lesbians and bi women and our straight allies have been very clear: this is homophobia, biphobia, and heterosexism, and it has no place in the women's movement and in feminism.

When cisgender women act as if we get to decide who all women are, we are being transphobic and cissexist, and this behavior has no place in the women's movement, in feminism, or in the lesbian rights movement.  Transgender women have been very clear about this.

As cisgender allies, we need to speak up loud and clear as well. 

Let me be plain: I don't have a problem with people who come to this issue with discomfort, own it, and deal with it.  I have my own learned transphobia and cissexism to confront; I try not to be too much of a hypocrite.

What I do have a problem with is when people are dishonest about their discomfort, and refuse to challenge it.

And I have a really big problem when people take their discomfort and turn it into hate speech and into physical action. 

Transphobia and cissexism have no place in the women's movement, in feminism, and in radical feminism.

Hate speech absolutely has no place here. 

Back to radical feminism and the conference I'd been invited to 

I know not all women-only space is open to transgender women or genderqueer women, and I couldn't tell from the information posted on the event's page if this conference is open to transgender women.

I thought it was better not to assume, in either direction.

So I asked.

And I got back a torrent of cissexist and transphobic hate speech from the organizers. 

And that's when I had a problem.  

(There were personal attacks on me as well.  Did you all know I'm in league with pornographers?  Me, either.  I've been learning so many things I never knew about myself from other people lately!)

What's more, when other women asked whether or not the conference is open to transgender women, they were met with cissexism, transphobia, and hate speech, their posts were deleted, and they were blocked from the event page as well.  For simply asking the question. 

So: I hope none of my friends or colleagues goes to this particular radical feminist conference in Portland, OR (USA) at the end of July.  Because regardless of whether you think women-only space should be cisgender-only or transgender-inclusive, I really don't want you to support cissexism or transphobia, and most of all, I don't want you to support hate speech.

(No, I'm not linking to their web page or anything else -- they don't need more traffic from me.  You can absolutely search for them, and find them, from the information I've given already.)  

To see screenshots of the language the organizers (and I) used, see below. Content warnings. 

Postscript 1: The sister conference in London has to find a new venue

It turns out a sister conference in London has been disallowed from the hall they had originally booked, for two main / three stated reasons:

  1. At least one of the conference speakers is known for hate speech (as defined, and illegal, under UK laws)
  2. The conference is in violation of the UK's Equality Act (http://homeoffice.gov.uk/equalities/equality-act/)
  3. The conference could not assure the hall that they conformed to Conway Hall's Terms and Conditions of rental 

Conway Hall had posted a statement regarding the conference; it's no longer available on their website, but I did read it while it was still posted.  This excerpt is available at TransGriot (http://transgriot.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/transphobic-radfem-2012-hatemongers.html):

In consultation with the organisers of [Conference] and our legal advisors, Conway Hall has decided not to allow the booking in July 2012 to proceed. This is because it does not conform to our Terms and Conditions for hiring rooms at Conway Hall. In addition, we are not satisfied it conforms with the Equality Act (2010), or reflects our ethos regarding issues of discrimination.

We had sought assurances that the organisers would allow access to all, in order to enable the event to proceed at the venue. We also expressed concern that particular speakers would need to be made aware that whilst welcoming progressive thinking and debate, Conway Hall seeks to uphold inclusivity in respect of both legal obligations and as a principle.
 

In the absence of the assurances we sought, the event in its proposed form could not proceed at Conway Hall.

Hmmmm.

Postscript 2: Just what do I mean? Exactly what I said and exactly what they said

Content warnings.

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If you are having trouble reading the screenshots, you can click on them for larger versions.  (When I made them larger, they got buried under the sidebar.)

--------------------

1)  My question and Samantha's answer:






 
"It's a conference for radical feminist women only..."  Clearly implying that transgender women and radical feminist women are obviously mutually exclusive groups.

"I would consider... only that one and only because of the previously expressed interest in supporting radical feminists and radical feminism."  Note the individual exception rule: specific, individual transgender women might be found acceptable if they meet Samantha's bar.  This is a level of acceptability that cisgender women do not have to meet: if a cisgender woman claims she's a radical feminist, that's enough.  But if a transgender woman claims she's a radical feminist, she has to meet additional qualifications: she has to prove to the organizers she feminist enough.   This is cissexism and transphobia right here.  

Note Samantha's lack of gender-specific pronoun use, implying that transgender women are not women to her.  

--------------------

2)  Kat's answer and further discussion (up through "You cannot possibly presume..."):










There are so many problems with Kat's statement(s), I scarcely know where to start.

First off, human rights are human rights, regardless of what any majority thinks.  Most radical feminists would agree that whether or not the majority of people in the US or the UK (or the world) think sexism is a problem or not, it's a problem; and that whether or not the majority of people in any given population think female genital mutilation is a violation of human rights, it's a violation of human rights.

Note Kat's refusal to use the term "transgender woman," and her insistence on using the term "trans identifying male born person."  Kat makes it very clear that she does not consider transgender women to be women.  Instead, they are "trans identifying male born person[s]."  I wonder how she would react if someone insisted on calling her a "cis-identifying female-born person" rather than a "woman."

To Kat, not only can't a transgender woman be a woman, she can't be a radical feminist herself -- she has to be "pro radical feminist," relegated to a supporting role -- "support the conference in other ways, e.g. by distributing publicity."  Transgender women are lower than second-class citizens.  I don't know about you, but this reminds me of a lot of other experiences in our history -- women and African-Americans in the New Left, just for one.

"Most trans identifying people are not radical feminists" --
  • Kat would know this how --?  From extensive personal friendships with transgender women?  From extensive reading from works of transgender feminists?  (Most transgender women I know are feminists, and a good number are radical feminists.)  
  • Um, hello, most cisgender people are not radical feminists, and most women aren't radical feminists.  Maybe she shouldn't let cisgender people or women into the conference, either. 
  • And again, why would whether or not the majority of transgender women are feminists be relevant?  
  • Beyond that, if most transgender women aren't radical feminists, then those who are need radical feminist space pretty desperately. 

-- "because the ideology of trans is in direct conflict with the ideology of radical feminism" -- uh, what???  Right.  There's an "ideology of trans."  There's one "ideology of trans."  This one just... blows my mind.   

At the same time, I was having a conversation about all this on my own Facebook Wall.  At this point, I reported the event for hate speech and mentioned that in the conversation on my own Wall.  

Samantha quoting me: privileged information from the conversation on my Facebook Wall.  (Yes, I have since unfriended Samantha.) 

Samantha on how I lecture people about pornography: ...  .  Actually, I don't need to say anything about this at all.

(I take that back.  I will say this, because it's over the top and I can't resist: Elspeth Potter is a personal friend and claims to still have the negatives.)  (http://www.victoriajanssen.com/bookshelf/)  (...Wait, you thought radical feminists have no sense of humor?)

--------------------

3)  From "Go figure..." up through my explanation:








Speaks for itself, I think...

--------------------

4) Samantha's response; more hate speech; Kat's proposal to delete:





Red herrings.


Here's my other big question now, besides how deleting this whole conversation (which they did) wouldn't be censorship:

If this whole conversation wasn't hate speech, why the need to delete it -- ?  Why not leave it up for it to show itself, for it to demonstrate -- to Facebook, to radical feminists, to anyone who'd read it -- how exactly what they said was just fine?  

Hmmmm.


Anyway, there you have it.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Photography exhibition in NYC: Women of Power

Polish, Pagan, powerful.

Katarzyna Majak explores the power of women as she searches for female wisdom and plurality of spiritual paths hidden within monoreligious Polish society.  Majak’s Women of Power series turns stereotypical witch imagery on its head and showcases striking images of women ranging from their 30’s to 80's, wearing colorful unconventional clothes, and holding their unique objects of power. When asked what being a witch meant to one of the subjects in the series, she replied ‘A witch is a woman of knowledge who takes a broom and sweeps to cleanse the world.’

Solo exhibition by Katarzyna Majak
Porter Contemporary
548 West 28th Street
New York, NY 10001 USA
May 31 through July 14, 2012
Opening reception with the artist on May 31, from 6:30 - 8:30 PM

Information about the exhibit, the story of how Majak came to take these photographs, and some images, at:

More images at: 
(If you hover near the top of each image, you'll see a caption.)

Blessed be!

(h/t Jason Pitzl-Waters.)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

So, how did the Conference go??

I had a lovely time at the Scottish Pagan Federation Conference.  I'm glad I went.  Many thanks to the organizers for all their work!  

Somewhat at the last minute, a group of us, all from Reclaiming, tabled together with and for a handful of things:

This was nice, because it gave us a "home base"; the chance to meet people who came by, for those of us who hadn't been before; a chance to visit with each other between workshops and talks; a place to store supplies for later; etc.  It was also fun. :)

For me, it was also the least-stressful experience tabling I've ever had.  I think this was due in large part to the wonderful people I was tabling with, especially the ever-creative and highly-practical Lady of the East Wind.  (That's how I've decided to refer to her here, for now, especially as she stood East in our circle.)

I did not make it to all the talks, workshops, and performances I wanted to, but the ones I did make it to, I really enjoyed.  It was also lovely just to meet people and talk to people, and watch the crowd, watch people greet old friends and watch people greet newcomers...

There was also something else a little unexpected, perhaps because it hasn't happened for me in a long time in a group with other Pagans: that feeling of being with my people, among my tribe. Sometimes when I hang around with other Pagans, even when they're a great group of people or wonderful individuals whom I like, I feel like a space alien. But last weekend, I had a feeling of homecoming, and I appreciated that. 

We packed up our table and got ready for ritual.  How did that go?  I'm not ready to say too much about it yet, because we haven't had our debrief/processing meeting yet, but I can say that I had a lot of fun, I had a deep experience, I loved working with this Priest/essing team in circle, and that the folks who came and participated in the ritual were a pretty great group.  I had some moments of awe and magic.  I feel like I was faithful in my service to the Goddess.  Oh, and the ribbon wands were great! 

And Margot Adler can dance.  

Oh, yeah, and you know what else?  I'd never been part of a circle before where there was impromptu ceilidh dancing during energy-raising, but I have now! Hurrah, Scotland!

Monday, May 21, 2012

A very brief introduction to Radical Feminism

Or, "Yes.  I can still say with integrity that I am a radical feminist."

When I was enrolled in the Women's Studies Program at UMBC more than 20 years ago now, one of my all-time favorite courses was Theories of Feminism with Dr. Carole McCann.

It was a revelation.

I was already a feminist, but formal study of the feminist theory awed and astonished me.

public domain, via Wikimedia
I worked hard in that class, and I loved it.  The analysis that made even further sense of my real life and my experience, and also of so much more; the theoretical wranglings; the combination of mental gymnastics and hard practicality.  Learning and applying the rigors of feminist analysis.  Seeing how it all fit together.  The power of how it could be taken so much further.  Developing my sense of where I fit in with those who had gone before, and with the feminists I found around me -- my teachers, my sister students, activist friends in the community.

That level of feminist theory and analysis was not something I'd experienced when I was at Bryn Mawr the first time around. 

I was furious and crushed over having been forced to leave Bryn Mawr by the effects of sexual assault, by illness, by unthinking sexism in medical care, and by money and class.  I'd had to fight so hard to go to college in the first place, and then I'd had to leave.  Then I had to fight all over again to return to college, at UMBC.  And on top of it, I had to put up with the most incredible casual sexism on campus there.

And here was this silver lining, this life-changing, powerful, unexpected silver lining.  Not only in the form of the Women's Studies Program (now Gender and Women's Studies), but in all the courageous women -- in so many of my classes, not just my Women's Studies classes, and in the Women's Union and Students for Choice -- and in the courageous people of all genders, but especially the women, in the Gay/Lesbian Organization (which we got renamed the Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Alliance).  In the levels of engagement and activism. 

It was a revelation.

And as happy as I was when I managed to return to Bryn Mawr and complete my degree there, I really missed my sisters and the Women's Studies Program at UMBC, as well as in the wider peace and social justice activist community in that area.  

I still have all my reading materials from Theories of Feminism, in a box which came with me to Scotland.*  Including radicalesbians' "The Woman-Identified Woman," which I invite you to read here: 

radicalesbians, "The Woman-Identified Woman" 

Click here for the herstory of radicalesbians.  It rocks. 

I still identify as a feminist.

Frequent readers of this blog are unsurprised.

I have also said all along that I still identify as a radical feminist.

But when I was recently invited to a radical feminist conference where I found myself in such serious disagreement with the organizers that I not only can't imagine going, I can't imagine promoting the conference to anyone else, I found myself wondering:

Does my 20-odd-years-older self really still identify as a radical feminist?  If I look at radical feminism square-on, is that me?

So today, I went digging.

from the Wikipedia page on "Radical feminism":
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_feminism)

Radical feminism is a current theoretical perspective within feminism that focuses on the theory of patriarchy as a system of power that organizes society into a complex of relationships based on an assumption that male supremacy[1] oppresses women. Radical feminism aims to challenge and overthrow patriarchy by opposing standard gender roles and oppression of women and calls for a radical reordering of society.[1]

Yep, that sounds like me.

from the About.com page on "Radical Feminism":
(http://womenshistory.about.com/od/feminism/g/radicalfeminism.htm)

Radical feminism is a philosophy emphasizing the patriarchal roots of inequality between men and women... Radical feminism views patriarchy as dividing rights, privileges and power primarily by gender, and as a result oppressing women and privileging men.

Radical feminists tend to be more militant in their approach (radical as "getting to the root")... radical feminists tend to... support cultural change that undermines patriarchy and associated hierarchical structures.

Radical feminism opposes patriarchy, not men...

Mmmm, yep, that also sounds like me.

(Actually, I agree pretty much entirely with that entire article, and encourage you to read it, since I don't have permission to quote it in entirety!)

Yes.  I can still say with integrity that I am a radical feminist.

Thanks for joining me on this little exploration.  I hope it's helpful for you in terms of some of the myths about what feminism is, and isn't.

More soon, I hope, on how my radical feminism doesn't include hate speech, and how hate speech promotes violence.  That, as they say, is another blog post. 


-----------------------
* Dr. McCann co-edited what looks like a wonderful book, which I must get my hands on:

Friday, May 6, 2011

Pagan Coming Out and Pagan Pride

So, May 2nd is Pagan Coming Out Day.

I know very little about the International Pagan Coming Out Day organization (http://pagancomingoutday.com/), so I don't really know how I feel about yet another Pagan holiday / movement borrowing words from / being named from the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer movement.

I am familiar, though, with the International Pagan Pride Project (http://paganpride.org/), which is an excellent organization, and which openly and gratefully acknowledges its debt to the work of the Gay Pride Movement and to all the lesbians, gay men, bisexual women and men, queer women and men, and transgender women and men who have gone before, paved the way, and provided inspiration for the Pagan Pride Movement. 

Why are Pagan Pride and coming out important?

They're important for the same reasons as for LGBTQ people, and as they are for the members of any minority group. 

Visibility.  Survival.  Combating discrimination and prejudice.  Building community.  Building bridges.  Education -- sharing the truth with ourselves / each other and with people outside our community.  Equality.  Integrity.  Celebration and joy.  Honoring our fabulousness. 

Yes, honoring our fabulousness.  Honoring and celebrating each other. 

Acknowledging and honoring those who have died due to prejudice, bigotry, and discrimination, and working to end them. 

Celebrating those of us who are alive, those who have gone before, those of us who work every day to make equality truth and not just words on paper, those of us who live every day in the world walking through our lives as Pagans, in the bright variety of Paganisms that exist all over the world.

Thou art Goddess. 
Thou art God. 
Thou art Divine. 
Thou art Sacred. 

Thou art Fabulous. 

Blessed be.

Monday, March 28, 2011

An Epistle from Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns, Midwinter Gathering 2011

An Epistle from Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns

Midwinter Gathering 2011

To All Friends Everywhere,

We send you love from Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns Midwinter Gathering, held from February 18-21st, 2011 in Browns Summit, North Carolina.

There was a time when we could not say our name. We dared not say our name -- even in the Religious Society of Friends. We were the Committee of Concern. This community has grown up around the concept of “radical inclusion” – the willingness to welcome new and different kinds of people into our community even when we had not expected them, recognizing the expansion of our understanding of who we are as a form of continuing revelation. Some of those who helped form this community continue to actively be a part of our community, for which we are blessed. Others have moved on. Still others have passed on. Yet all these Friends are still very much with us, standing in their own integrity, and calling us into our own.

We came together once again to witness to the power of radical love and radical inclusion to transform and sustain us spiritually – both individually and as a community and to discern how we are called to deepen our commitment to that call. Framed by our theme, “Reclaiming our Past; Proclaiming our Future,” we heard stories of what happens when we do this well. When we are faithful, we recognize that love is a practice, that in relationship we reveal and discover our true selves. We share the stories and truth emerging from our lives; when needed, we say to one another, “You’re standing on my foot! Please get off!” And then we talk about it. We experience the gifts of receiving and giving love that is shaped by the quirks and flavors of each of our individual essences; in so doing, we invite each other into wholeness, greater integrity, a fuller understanding of who we are as a community, and even greater integrity, and thus the cycle begins again.

As we shared our truths with one another in worship, Spirit revealed to and through us how wholeness, community, love, and integrity are intimately intertwined with each other. As one Friend said, “With Quakers, I cannot lie about who I am.” He spoke about how Friends from this community “kicked me out of the closet” – not through violence, but through holding him to a higher standard of integrity and by loving him for exactly who he is. Another Friend gazed into the eyes of each speaker on a panel of our elders, expressing how she could feel the flavor of each life moving through her, transforming her. A third urged that in an unsafe and sometimes hostile world, we must nevertheless go cheerfully where we are led, understanding that only as we bring our full selves forward can we make the world safer for those who will follow. A fourth speaker, an attender for whom this gathering was hir* first experience of Quakerism, spoke powerfully at the end of the gathering of how way had opened for hir* to be here, and a sense of how “I am supposed to be where I am right now. Life is overwhelming but I can do it.” Young and young adult Friends spoke deeply of the condition of a continuum of sexual and gender identities and the urgent necessity of a place of full and unconditional love and acceptance to call forth one’s true self. They spoke of the blessing of a safe space where they could be fully known, of the feeling that FLGBTQC was a place where there was no “card check,” where all were welcome, warts and all, where they could bring their whole selves forward.

We also know our own stories of the pain it inflicts when radical love and inclusion are absent – experienced within this community and others. We know that we have work to do to more faithfully practice radical love and inclusion with people of color and Young Adult Friends and Young Friends, and those who may yearn for but not be aware of or have access to our community.

We ask for the prayers of all Friends everywhere as we do our work, and we ask you, as way opens, to support us and join with us in our struggle. We offer you our unfolding witness and testimony to the power of radical love and inclusion in this community and an invitation to join in this experience at gatherings in the future. Co-clerks can be reached via telephone at 267-270-2315 or email at flgbtqc@gmail.com. Our website is http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/.

On behalf of Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns,

Deborah Fisch, Co-Clerk

Kody Hersh, Co-Clerk



* Many people who identify as neither men nor women prefer to be referred to by non-gendered pronouns, and this attender is among those people. The word "hir" in this case is grammatically equivalent to "her" as the possessive ("this is hir [item]") and object form ("I gave it to hir") but carries no connotation of a female or male gender.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Radical love, radical inclusion... and the stereochemistry of gender inclusion

I know there's some renewed attention right now to the issue of cisgender-women-only space/the exclusion of transgender women in certain kinds of Paganism.

(Please note that I am not following, or interested in, that debate, and please don't ask me for information about it.)  

A number of people have spoken to me quietly about the issue -- because they're hurt or just plain puzzled by the fuss, or because they're trying to figure out their own complicated reactions to it.

I've also been trying to discern what, if anything, I should say publicly about this issue.

I realized I'm led to share a response I sent to one of those friends.  Part of why I'm comfortable sharing it is because it turns out there's nothing in this letter that I haven't said to other people, both electronically and in person, in public as well as in private.  

Apologies to my beloved former chemistry professors for the oversimplified explanation of stereochemistry. 

- sm

Dear [name],

Cis *isn't* being used because it's the opposite of trans -- it's a termed borrowed from chemistry [for one], and it's being used because it's a good descriptive term for people who were born into bodies consistent with their gender identities.

In chemistry, there are types of molecules with two different kinds of structures -- cis and trans. In one structure, the component groups are attached to *opposite* sides of a molecule across a (double) bond; that structure is called trans, or different. In the other structure, the component groups are attached to the *same* side of a molecule across a (double) bond; that structure is called cis, or same.

Take a look at the second set of pictures here to get the idea (the ones with the big green circles with no rotation): http://www.chemguide.co.uk/basicorg/isomerism/geometric.html

You and I were born into bodies consistent with our gender identity -- the same, or cis; "the same" with our gender identity, or cisgender.

My friend [name/mutual acquaintance] was born into a body not consistent with her gender identity -- different, or trans; "different" from her gender identity, or transgender.

If you don't like the way it's being used by transgender women in the [blank] debate, then you're giving too much credence to the commenters there, IMO.

If you don't like how it's being used by transgender women in general, I'm sorry. That sounds difficult. It's often difficult to listen to people with less privilege when they confront us, and it's true: you and I have cis privilege.

But the term cisgender is *not* being used exclusively by transgender women, any more than the terms heterosexual, straight, white, temporarily able-bodied, upper class, or male are being used exclusively by lesbians, gay men, bi people, transgender people, disabled people, people of color, poor people, working class people, middle class people, or women.

You also need to understand that transgender women experience a terrible amount of misogyny, and that they get it both from men and from other women. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be another woman who behaves that way towards women who also happen to be transgender.

My own journey towards transgender inclusion has not, and still isn't always, an easy one. I've been part of a Quaker lesbian organization that was torn apart over the issue of including transgender women; I couldn't have told you then if I thought it was better to exclude or include transgender women. I have also been incredibly honored to get to know a number of transgender women and men in person, as real people, most but not all of them through a deeply Spirit-centered Quaker organization that walks its talk of radical love and radical inclusion. It has become very, very clear to me where I find the Goddess, and where She leads me, when it comes to this issue. I can be sure of that even when I'm not 100% comfortable; it's a very different kind of discomfort than when I'm not certain.

So I hope this helps some. 

Love and blessings,
Stasa

Recommended article: T. Thorn Coyle's "Duality and Diversity: Gender at Pantheacon"

T. Thorn Coyle's "Duality and Diversity: Gender at Pantheacon"

The theme of gender at Pantheacon started for me on Friday afternoon, when I was able to catch most of Dr. Charlie Glickman's presentation on "The Mystery and the Masculine." I walked into a lively discussion about stereotypes, gender, and where we might find a place inside or outside of the box, and how breaking out of the box sometimes offers a full range of deep and powerful archetypes. Why was I drawn to this presentation? Not only do I like and respect Charlie, but I carry a great deal of the masculine within me; as a matter of fact, I used to get mistaken for a man with great frequency. I don't anymore, though most people still recognize that strand of my energy signature. I feel comfortable presenting in a more "female" way these days and my power is more fully integrated so my overall energy outlay is smoother. But you still won't catch me in a skirt unless I'm doing high femme drag. And that is rare.

I spoke in Charlie's class about Z Budapest saying last year that I was not a masculine woman, presumably because I wear lipstick now, and my jeans are no longer two sizes too big. No, I'm not butch like my butchest of friends, but the reason I identified as masculine at the first was in an attempt to do damage control around some masculinity bashing that had been going on. As I still swim strongly with that current, I outed myself on the panel and was then smacked down. Not for long, as you might imagine.

Read more...

Friday, February 4, 2011

A review of Ben Whitmore’s "Trials of the Moon: Reopening the Case for Historical Witchcraft"

I don't have the brain right now to digest and analyze this fully, but I find it really interesting.  - Stasa

from http://www.sourcememory.net/veleda/?p=39

Here is an excerpt:

This is a review of Ben Whitmore’s Trials of the Moon: Reopening the Case for Historical Witchcraft. A Critique of Ronald Hutton’s Triumph of the Moon: A History of Modern Pagan Witchcraft. Auckland: Aotearoa / New Zealand, 2010 http://www.goodgame.org.nz/trialsofthemoonexcerpt.pdf


I am glad someone took on the task of providing a detailed critique of Hutton’s book. Ben Whitmore, a Pagan priest in New Zealand, does not hail from the school of Wicca-is-a-direct-transmission-of-ancient-Pagan-tradition. He is clear “that today’s witchcraft is largely a reinvention” and favors  examining the foundational myths of modern neopaganism with a critical eye. At the same time, he feels a spiritual kinship with past traditions and holds out the possibility of recovering their authentic roots:



“I feel it is high time that Wicca and Paganism be permitted to have not just myths, but a history as well.” Hear, hear.
Hutton, although himself a Pagan, has systematically attacked the idea of pagan survivals in medieval Europe, and not just in this book. He hews to an orthodox focus on literary sources as the font of culture, with a corresponding disregard for the testimony of folk tradition and its conservational power. We hear from Diane Purkiss about how the English school of witchcraft history had “hardened into an orthodoxy”since the 1970s. Whitmore points out that they ignore the rich documentation of folk paganism by continental historians (a disregard, paired with sputterings about “rigor,” that I have been protesting for years).


Hutton’s earlier book is described as taking a “withering” approach  toward neopagans while rhapsodizing about christianity. Such attitudes are unsurprising in most academic circles, but Hutton’s dismissals have been taken up by some Pagans as well. Whitmore recounts “one rather sad conversation I had with a bright young High Priest and High Priestess who were abandoning the Craft because Triumph had convinced them they were living a lie.”[2-3]


Whitmore makes an effort to be evenhanded. He praises Hutton’s chapters on Wicca as “balanced and comprehensive.” He corrects an error about the succession in Alexandrian Wicca. [3] It’s been years since I read Triumph of the Moon, so I don’t remember if the feminist branches of Wicca were included. In any case, modern paganism is not the main thrust of Trials of the Moon; it is about making the case for a historical connection between pagan ethnic religion, including goddess reverence, and later witches and witch traditions.


Whitmore counters Hutton’s exaggerated claim of “a tidal wave of accumulating research which [in the 1990s] swept away … any possibility of doubt regarding the lack of correlation between paganism and early modern witchcraft.”He lays out the misrepresentations and revisionism in Triumph of the Moon by reviewing the historical literature that Hutton cites, and systematically showing that his sources do not say what he claims they do. In some cases they say the complete opposite. The quotes that Whitmore provides shows that they affirm rather than deny the persistence of pre-Christian spiritual traditions, including shamanic ones. The exception is Muchembled, but even he acknowledged the demonization of folk beliefs and observances in constructing the myth of the Witches’ Sabbath. [6-8]


So the book tests Hutton’s evidence and provides some much-needed historiography. It also offers  helpful summaries of ideas by various authors. P.G. Maxwell-Stuart, for example, talks about the incompleteness of European conversion into the middle ages, and tracks the imposition of elite ideas about diabolical pact and witches’ sects onto folk culture. (Hmm: a footnote alludes to the famous case of two German villages where only two women were left alive. Maxwell-Stuart, however, appears to have erased the specific targeting of women, rendering it as only two “residents”spared by the hunts. [9 fn 27]) Still, I’d like to read his discussion of the number of accused witches who actually were cunning folk, healers, diviners, or people who had dealings with the faeries. [10]

Read more:
http://www.sourcememory.net/veleda/?p=39