Well, it turned out the brief FLGBTQC signed on to in the US Supreme Court case(s) was not yet the last as we had all hoped: we've also signed onto multi-faith briefs in four cases before the US 8th Circuit Court of Appeals, because filing deadlines in those cases were scheduled before oral arguments in the Supreme Court.
So it is my privilege to announce that
Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns
(FLGBTQC) (http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/) joined many other faith groups on friend of the court briefs
filed on 26 March by Kramer Levin in four cases coming before the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals this spring.
The cases are Lawson v Kelly (Missouri), Rosenbrahn v Daugaard (South Dakota), Jernigan v McDaniel (Arkansas), and Waters v Ricketts (Nebraska).
As ever, the briefs are easy-to-read, enlightening, and encouraging.
More information about the cases is available from Freedom to Marry at:
You can read the briefs here:
And also here:
Congratulations to all the signatories, and gratitude to everyone who has worked so hard on these briefs!
Monday, March 30, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Happy Eostara!
Happy March Equinox! Happy Eostara in the northern hemisphere!
There are lots of places to look this information up, from the US Naval Observatory (http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/index.php) to TimeAndDate.Com (http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/sunrise.html), and more.
Other recent astronomical events:
There was also a solar eclipse today, visible in much of Europe, northern Africa, and northern Asia. We had brilliant sun mixed with scudding clouds here, but I did get some really cool views using a colander and a piece of white paper taped up to the side of the house. That was pretty neat!
Earlier this week, much of the UK saw some gorgeous auroras. My city was fogged in, so I didn't get to see any, but there are some fabulous pictures at the AuroraWatch UK Flickr pool: https://www.flickr.com/groups/aurorawatch.
I hope this Equinox brings either Spring or the promise of Spring to all of you in the Northern Hemisphere who have had unusual amounts of cold, snow, or both this winter, and to anyone who is just. ready. for. Spring.
Happy Eostara!
- What are the sunrise and sunset times where you are?
- How many hours of daylight are there today in your locale?
There are lots of places to look this information up, from the US Naval Observatory (http://aa.usno.navy.mil/data/index.php) to TimeAndDate.Com (http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/sunrise.html), and more.
- What spiritual lessons or reminders does Spring Equinox bring you?
Other recent astronomical events:
There was also a solar eclipse today, visible in much of Europe, northern Africa, and northern Asia. We had brilliant sun mixed with scudding clouds here, but I did get some really cool views using a colander and a piece of white paper taped up to the side of the house. That was pretty neat!
Earlier this week, much of the UK saw some gorgeous auroras. My city was fogged in, so I didn't get to see any, but there are some fabulous pictures at the AuroraWatch UK Flickr pool: https://www.flickr.com/groups/aurorawatch.
I hope this Equinox brings either Spring or the promise of Spring to all of you in the Northern Hemisphere who have had unusual amounts of cold, snow, or both this winter, and to anyone who is just. ready. for. Spring.
Happy Eostara!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
On Worship and Mutual Care
Readings from a recent meeting of my Local Meeting's Es&Os (Elders & Overseers). This was fairly deep with us, and so I thought I'd share:
Worship
The heart of the life of the Religious Society of Friends is the Meeting for Worship. It calls for us to offer ourselves, body, mind, and soul for the doing of God’s will.
Worship is the adoring response of the heart and mind to the influence of the Spirit of God. It stands neither in forms nor in the formal disuse of forms; it may be with or without words, but it must be in spirit and in truth (John 4:24). We recognize the value of silence, not as an end, but as a means toward the attainment of the end, which is communication with God, and fellowship with one another.
In all our Meetings for Worship, we gather in a spirit of prayerful obedience to God, with a willingness to give as well as to receive. In speech or in silence, each person contributes to the Meeting. Worshiping God together, we strengthen one another, and our bodies and minds are refreshed in the Life of the Spirit. Our daily lives are linked with the Meeting for Worship, the Meeting for Worship with our daily lives.
Friends are encouraged to give adequate time for study, meditation and prayer, and other ways of preparing for worship, and to arrive at Meeting promptly with an open and expectant spirit. During the Meeting for Worship, some people may feel moved to speak, to share an insight, to pray, to praise. When we feel led to speak, we should do so, clearly and simply. When another speaks, we should listen with an open spirit, seeking the thought behind the words and holding the speaker in love. After a message has been given, Friends should have time to ponder its meaning and to search themselves before another speaks.
How do we prepare our hearts and minds for worship?
Do we meet in expectant waiting for the promptings of the Divine Spirit? Is there a living silence in which we are drawn together by the power of God in our midst? Is this inspiration carried over into our daily living?
Is the vocal ministry exercised under the leading of the Holy Spirit without prearrangement, and in the simplicity and sincerity of truth? As we listen, or as we speak, are we guided by the Inward Light and sensitive to one another’s needs? Are we careful not to speak at undue length or beyond our light?
...
Mutual Care
Our need for love and care, and our response to this need in others, make up a rich part of our lives. In an exchange truly grounded in love, each of us is both giver and receiver, ready to help and accept help. Neither pride nor fear keeps us from the unconditional love and care of God manifested through others. Let neither comfort nor self-centeredness blind us to need of others.
We listen to one another with openness of heart and in good faith, aware that greater wisdom than our own is required to meet our human needs. We lift up our hearts to the Source of all wisdom and power.
Are we charitable with each other? How careful are we of the reputation of others? Do we avoid hurtful criticism and gossip?
Do we practice the art of listening to one another, even beyond words?
How well are we able to love each other unconditionally?
Are we sensitive to each other’s personal needs and difficulties and do we assist in useful ways?
~ from Faith and Practice of North Pacific Yearly Meeting, Chapter 6, Advices and Queries, 1993 edition
------------
I recently started a term on Overseers, the pastoral care and counsel group, of my Local Meeting, appointed by Area Meeting.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the term 'overseer,' because of its association with chattel slavery. I'm willing to be referred to as a member of Oversight, but I am not comfortable being referred to as an overseer. And I'd much prefer if we were called something more in line with what we actually are, such as Care & Counsel.
Local Meeting 'Es&Os' (Elders and Overseers) had one of our regular meetings this week. Our convener asked me beforehand to bring a reading to share. Usually these are from Britain Yearly Meeting's Quaker Faith and Practice, but sometimes from other Quaker texts or something different altogether. I spent part of my afternoon beforehand delightfully buried in several different books. I ended up finding much more than I was looking for in North Pacific Yearly Meeting's Faith and Practice, which remains one of my all-time favourite Faith and Practice books, for many reasons.
What I have above is what I ended up reading.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Friend of the Court Brief Before the US Supreme Court
It is my joy and privilege to announce that
Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns
(FLGBTQC) (http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/) joined many other faith groups on a friend of the court brief
filed on 5 March by Kramer Levin in four Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals cases coming before the US Supreme Court this spring.
The cases are Obergefell v Hodges (Ohio), Tanco v Haslam (Tennessee), DeBoer v Snyder (Michigan), and Bourke v Beshear (Kentucky).
More info is available here:
Again I encourage you to read the brief. There are some changes from the first one two years ago, based on changes in statistics and in case law since then. The brief is tremendously encouraging to read. Also, it seems longer than it really is because the list of signatories is so long.
You can read the brief here:
More information, and a list of briefs, at:
http://stasa.net/resources/quaker-friends-resources/court-briefs
And -- NEW! -- also at:
http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/resources.html#courtBriefs
Congratulations to all the signatories! And deep gratitude to everyone who worked on this brief, and all the briefs.
We hope this will be the last friend of the court brief we sign on to on the issue of same-sex marriage.
It is widely held that, should the Court decide in favor of same-sex marriage, this case will be definitive.
As Friends in Britain say, HOPE SO!
The cases are Obergefell v Hodges (Ohio), Tanco v Haslam (Tennessee), DeBoer v Snyder (Michigan), and Bourke v Beshear (Kentucky).
More info is available here:
Again I encourage you to read the brief. There are some changes from the first one two years ago, based on changes in statistics and in case law since then. The brief is tremendously encouraging to read. Also, it seems longer than it really is because the list of signatories is so long.
You can read the brief here:
More information, and a list of briefs, at:
http://stasa.net/resources/quaker-friends-resources/court-briefs
And -- NEW! -- also at:
http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/resources.html#courtBriefs
Congratulations to all the signatories! And deep gratitude to everyone who worked on this brief, and all the briefs.
We hope this will be the last friend of the court brief we sign on to on the issue of same-sex marriage.
It is widely held that, should the Court decide in favor of same-sex marriage, this case will be definitive.
As Friends in Britain say, HOPE SO!
Monday, February 9, 2015
Friend of the Court Brief in Lopez-Aviles v. Rius-Armendariz
It is my joy and privilege to announce that
Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns
(FLGBTQC) (http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/) joined many other faith groups on a friend of the court brief
filed on 2 February by Kramer Levin in Lopez-Aviles v. Rius-Armendariz, a Puerto Rico
marriage
equality case before the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals.
More info is available here:
Yet again I will tell you that, as with the other Kramer-Levin briefs we've signed on to, I highly recommend reading this. It's easy to read, and brilliant. And super-encouraging for people of faith, and people in faith communities, who support marriage equality for same-sex couples -- and also who are working to prevent some faiths from being legally privileged over others.
You can read the brief here:
More information, and a list of briefs, at:
http://stasa.net/resources/quaker-friends-resources/court-briefs
And -- NEW! -- also at:
http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/resources.html#courtBriefs
Congratulations to all the signatories! And deep gratitude to everyone who worked on this brief.
More info is available here:
Yet again I will tell you that, as with the other Kramer-Levin briefs we've signed on to, I highly recommend reading this. It's easy to read, and brilliant. And super-encouraging for people of faith, and people in faith communities, who support marriage equality for same-sex couples -- and also who are working to prevent some faiths from being legally privileged over others.
You can read the brief here:
More information, and a list of briefs, at:
http://stasa.net/resources/quaker-friends-resources/court-briefs
And -- NEW! -- also at:
http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/resources.html#courtBriefs
Congratulations to all the signatories! And deep gratitude to everyone who worked on this brief.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
A love note from your Recording Clerk
This is an email I recently sent to the list-serv for Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns (FLGBTQC):
It's been a little over a year since Nominating Committee approached me and asked if I'd be willing to consider serving as FLGBTQC Recording Clerk.
To say I was surprised is putting it mildly. Recording clerking is really, truly, absolutely Ministry That Would Not Have Occurred to Me.
Taking minutes by hand is painful for me. I didn't have a laptop until very recently. I am a terrible minute-taker in secular meetings. I had never been remotely interested in being a recording clerk, and had in fact actively avoided recording for committee meetings. It never occurred to me that I might have skills which are good for a recording clerk to have, or that I could be good as a recording clerk.
What changed?
Well, when I carefully asked F/friends on Nominating if there were any particular reasons they'd thought of me (I'm sure my dubiousness was thinly cloaked), I got a lot of really good answers. The kind which sounded to me like Friends were listening to Spirit, and also like they know me pretty well, and were putting what they know of me together with things I hadn't thought of and the needs of the community. (Go, Nominating. This is a form of eldering: helping people recognize gifts of the Spirit they haven't recognized in themselves, and asking that those gifts be used in the service of the Spirit and the community.)
In Britain Yearly Meeting, Presiding Clerks record. If I wasn't willing to learn to record, that meant I was cutting myself off from the possibility of serving as clerk of my Local Meeting or Area Meeting. It meant I was deciding for Spirit ahead of time that I would never do this work. That struck me as a Bad Idea.
But the big thing that decided me was you, collectively. Was this community. I realized that if I was going to learn to be a Recording Clerk, I couldn't think of a better place to do it. I have have been part of the Meeting holding newly-fledged co-clerks as they found their wings. I knew you would hold me, as you / we always hold the clerking team, and that even if it wasn't particularly graceful, there would still be grace. Lots of grace.
I began to feel really grateful for this opportunity, and excited about learning a whole new skill.
After I went on the clerks' training course at Woodbrooke, I knew I had what I needed, except for the experience of actually doing it. And I was pretty sure I could be a good-enough recording clerk while you helped me become a better recording clerk.
The really good news is that it turns out I truly enjoy recording clerking. Who knew? And I really enjoyed being part of Quaker process in this particular way, a way I never have before, during our Meetings for Worship with Attention to Business last summer.
I love Quaker process. I have always especially loved Quaker process in the FLGBTQC community. Being able to come to our Meetings for Worship with Attention to Business has helped sustain me during some periods which were particularly dry when it came to spiritual community.
I also love nurturing Quaker process, and I love that this service is another way I can help do that within FLGBTQC.
Right now, many of us are getting ready for Mid-Winter Gathering and for our Meetings for Worship with Attention to Business there.
So, I ask that you continue to hold me, and the entire clerking team, in the Light and in love, in that same way I knew deep down I could count on you to do while I learned I could do something I had never done before.
With love,
Stasa
p.s. Thank you.
It's been a little over a year since Nominating Committee approached me and asked if I'd be willing to consider serving as FLGBTQC Recording Clerk.
To say I was surprised is putting it mildly. Recording clerking is really, truly, absolutely Ministry That Would Not Have Occurred to Me.
Taking minutes by hand is painful for me. I didn't have a laptop until very recently. I am a terrible minute-taker in secular meetings. I had never been remotely interested in being a recording clerk, and had in fact actively avoided recording for committee meetings. It never occurred to me that I might have skills which are good for a recording clerk to have, or that I could be good as a recording clerk.
What changed?
Well, when I carefully asked F/friends on Nominating if there were any particular reasons they'd thought of me (I'm sure my dubiousness was thinly cloaked), I got a lot of really good answers. The kind which sounded to me like Friends were listening to Spirit, and also like they know me pretty well, and were putting what they know of me together with things I hadn't thought of and the needs of the community. (Go, Nominating. This is a form of eldering: helping people recognize gifts of the Spirit they haven't recognized in themselves, and asking that those gifts be used in the service of the Spirit and the community.)
In Britain Yearly Meeting, Presiding Clerks record. If I wasn't willing to learn to record, that meant I was cutting myself off from the possibility of serving as clerk of my Local Meeting or Area Meeting. It meant I was deciding for Spirit ahead of time that I would never do this work. That struck me as a Bad Idea.
But the big thing that decided me was you, collectively. Was this community. I realized that if I was going to learn to be a Recording Clerk, I couldn't think of a better place to do it. I have have been part of the Meeting holding newly-fledged co-clerks as they found their wings. I knew you would hold me, as you / we always hold the clerking team, and that even if it wasn't particularly graceful, there would still be grace. Lots of grace.
I began to feel really grateful for this opportunity, and excited about learning a whole new skill.
After I went on the clerks' training course at Woodbrooke, I knew I had what I needed, except for the experience of actually doing it. And I was pretty sure I could be a good-enough recording clerk while you helped me become a better recording clerk.
The really good news is that it turns out I truly enjoy recording clerking. Who knew? And I really enjoyed being part of Quaker process in this particular way, a way I never have before, during our Meetings for Worship with Attention to Business last summer.
I love Quaker process. I have always especially loved Quaker process in the FLGBTQC community. Being able to come to our Meetings for Worship with Attention to Business has helped sustain me during some periods which were particularly dry when it came to spiritual community.
I also love nurturing Quaker process, and I love that this service is another way I can help do that within FLGBTQC.
Right now, many of us are getting ready for Mid-Winter Gathering and for our Meetings for Worship with Attention to Business there.
So, I ask that you continue to hold me, and the entire clerking team, in the Light and in love, in that same way I knew deep down I could count on you to do while I learned I could do something I had never done before.
With love,
Stasa
p.s. Thank you.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Friend of the Court Brief in Brenner v Armstrong and Grimsley v Armstrong
It is my joy and privilege to announce that at the end of December, Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns (FLGBTQC) (http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/) joined many other faith groups on a friend of the court brief
filed on 19 December by Kramer Levin in Brenner v Armstrong and Grimsley v Armstrong, Florida
marriage
equality cases before the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals.
More info is available here:
Yet again I will tell you that, as with the other Kramer-Levin briefs we've signed on to, I highly recommend reading this. It's easy to read, and brilliant. And super-encouraging for people of faith, and people in faith communities, who support marriage equality for same-sex couples -- and also who are working to prevent some faiths from being legally privileged over others.
You can read the brief here:
http://bit.ly/BrennerGrimsleyBrief
More information, and a list of briefs, at:
http://stasa.net/resources/quaker-friends-resources/court-briefs
Congratulations to all the signatories! And deep gratitude to everyone who worked on this brief.
More info is available here:
- http://www.freedomtomarry.org/litigation/entry/11thCircuit
- http://www.freedomtomarry.org/states/entry/c/florida
Yet again I will tell you that, as with the other Kramer-Levin briefs we've signed on to, I highly recommend reading this. It's easy to read, and brilliant. And super-encouraging for people of faith, and people in faith communities, who support marriage equality for same-sex couples -- and also who are working to prevent some faiths from being legally privileged over others.
You can read the brief here:
http://bit.ly/BrennerGrimsleyBrief
More information, and a list of briefs, at:
http://stasa.net/resources/quaker-friends-resources/court-briefs
Congratulations to all the signatories! And deep gratitude to everyone who worked on this brief.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Being in community when our Gods are different
This autumn, I had the privilege to attend Rhiannon Grant's workshop "Or Whatever You Call It" with F/friends from South East Scotland Area Meeting (Quakers). It was an interesting and fun workshop, and I'm glad we brought it to SESAM.
Much of Grant's work with Quakers centres on how modern Friends use language to talk about That-Which-Is-Sacred, and is particularly informed by philosophy. My work amongst Friends starts from experience, and then comes to language pretty quickly: we need language to reflect our experience, to be able to talk to each other about it, one way to be in spiritual community with each other. And Quakers are very wordy, very language-oriented people. So her approach was really interesting for me.
After spending the day in different kinds of exercises, thinking and talking about different words, and what they mean, and why, and different names for Whatever You Call It, we settled into large-group worship-sharing with this query:
Quite a lot came bubbling up for me during this worship.
----------------
In order to be a faithful Friend, {my truth requires me to / Goddess requires me to / I must} use words some Friends often react to with hostility. Goddess. Witch. Pagan. Priestess. Gods. But other minority Friends, especially other Pagan and non-Christian Friends, are often very relieved to hear those words.
If I am speaking my own truth, in my own words, not translating into other people's words / language, then yes, it does require particular words.
To what extent are we obligated to translate as we speak? As we listen? Why am I so often, as a minority, the person expected to do both?
I, as a non-Christian Friend, am expected to be conversant about Jesus. Why aren't other Friends expected to be conversant with other Gods?
Yes, well, Quakerism is also historically white and straight as well.
Gods, plural. If you want me to take your relationship with Jesus, Spirit, God, Whatever You Call It, seriously, and I want you to take my relationship with the Goddess / the Gods seriously, we both have to allow as how they both might exist -- and are not the same.
----------------
Among Friends, I no longer have to pretend my wife is a man and I'm in a mixed-gender relationship. I no longer have to translate into heterosexual marriage terms for other Friends.
I should not have to pretend I'm in relationship with a different Deity than the One(s) I am in relationship with, either.
If you want me to take your relationship with Jesus, Spirit, God, Whatever You Call It, seriously, then you need to take my relationship with the Goddess / the Gods seriously.
Brigid is not Jesus in a skirt. And the Cailleach is neither.
I am talking about radical equality.
Jesus is a privileged god in Quakerism.
Jesus cannot be a privileged god if we are all Friends and all Friends are equal.
What does radical equality ask of each of us when it comes to being present with, bearing witness to, each others' spiritual lives? When it comes to being in spiritual community with one another?
Much of Grant's work with Quakers centres on how modern Friends use language to talk about That-Which-Is-Sacred, and is particularly informed by philosophy. My work amongst Friends starts from experience, and then comes to language pretty quickly: we need language to reflect our experience, to be able to talk to each other about it, one way to be in spiritual community with each other. And Quakers are very wordy, very language-oriented people. So her approach was really interesting for me.
After spending the day in different kinds of exercises, thinking and talking about different words, and what they mean, and why, and different names for Whatever You Call It, we settled into large-group worship-sharing with this query:
Does telling your truth require you to use any particular words?
Quite a lot came bubbling up for me during this worship.
----------------
In order to be a faithful Friend, {my truth requires me to / Goddess requires me to / I must} use words some Friends often react to with hostility. Goddess. Witch. Pagan. Priestess. Gods. But other minority Friends, especially other Pagan and non-Christian Friends, are often very relieved to hear those words.
If I am speaking my own truth, in my own words, not translating into other people's words / language, then yes, it does require particular words.
To what extent are we obligated to translate as we speak? As we listen? Why am I so often, as a minority, the person expected to do both?
I, as a non-Christian Friend, am expected to be conversant about Jesus. Why aren't other Friends expected to be conversant with other Gods?
Yes, well, Quakerism is also historically white and straight as well.
Gods, plural. If you want me to take your relationship with Jesus, Spirit, God, Whatever You Call It, seriously, and I want you to take my relationship with the Goddess / the Gods seriously, we both have to allow as how they both might exist -- and are not the same.
----------------
Among Friends, I no longer have to pretend my wife is a man and I'm in a mixed-gender relationship. I no longer have to translate into heterosexual marriage terms for other Friends.
I should not have to pretend I'm in relationship with a different Deity than the One(s) I am in relationship with, either.
If you want me to take your relationship with Jesus, Spirit, God, Whatever You Call It, seriously, then you need to take my relationship with the Goddess / the Gods seriously.
Brigid is not Jesus in a skirt. And the Cailleach is neither.
I am talking about radical equality.
Jesus is a privileged god in Quakerism.
Jesus cannot be a privileged god if we are all Friends and all Friends are equal.
What does radical equality ask of each of us when it comes to being present with, bearing witness to, each others' spiritual lives? When it comes to being in spiritual community with one another?
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Suicide prevention, support, and resources
There is an excellent and timely post by dualitea at Tenure, She Wrote, about the increase in suicide attempts after highly-publicized suicide deaths. The article includes resources for talking about suicide and supporting people who are struggling.
It's helpful. Please read it. Thank you.
It's helpful. Please read it. Thank you.
Research has shown that there is an uptick in the number of suicide attempts following a highly publicized suicide death. Such has happened recently within the trans community, which is prompting this off-day post. Given that 41% of trans people have attempted suicide, right now would be an excellent time to reach out and support the trans people in your life, as well as brush up on your skill set of responding to [those] in crisis who confide in you.http://tenureshewrote.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/suicide-prevention-psa/
Friday, December 5, 2014
The queer surcharge
Let's talk about the queer surcharge for a moment.
Here's just one example:
People in mixed-gender legal marriages, how much did it cost you to get married? I don't mean the ceremony, the reception, and all that stuff -- I mean the marriage license, the legal part, where you went down to city hall or the registry office or wherever and filled out paperwork and got a piece of paper (or several) back. How much did your marriage license cost? If a ceremony was a legal requirement for your marriage license to be valid -- it is in some jurisdictions -- then go ahead and add in the cost of a registry office, or justice of the peace, or similar, ceremony.
Now, how many marriage licenses, or equivalent, have you had to obtain for your current marriage? For that one marriage, for you to be married to the same person?
Most of your friends in same-gender marriages, when we've had access to legal recognition of our relationships at all -- through domestic partnerships, civil unions, civil partnerships, or even civil marriage -- have had to do this many times. Each time we move, each time the law where we live changes, we have to get re-married.
And it almost always costs money EACH TIME.
That adds up.
And we're not even talking about the costs in time, energy, and resources other than money.
We're also not even talking about other ways which being someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer costs more money than being someone who is straight does.
So, allies: something to think about. Ignorance -- "Gosh, I had no idea!"-- is not an excuse.
----------
For more information on having to get married over and over and on the queer surcharge, see:
Here's just one example:
People in mixed-gender legal marriages, how much did it cost you to get married? I don't mean the ceremony, the reception, and all that stuff -- I mean the marriage license, the legal part, where you went down to city hall or the registry office or wherever and filled out paperwork and got a piece of paper (or several) back. How much did your marriage license cost? If a ceremony was a legal requirement for your marriage license to be valid -- it is in some jurisdictions -- then go ahead and add in the cost of a registry office, or justice of the peace, or similar, ceremony.
Now, how many marriage licenses, or equivalent, have you had to obtain for your current marriage? For that one marriage, for you to be married to the same person?
Most of your friends in same-gender marriages, when we've had access to legal recognition of our relationships at all -- through domestic partnerships, civil unions, civil partnerships, or even civil marriage -- have had to do this many times. Each time we move, each time the law where we live changes, we have to get re-married.
And it almost always costs money EACH TIME.
That adds up.
And we're not even talking about the costs in time, energy, and resources other than money.
We're also not even talking about other ways which being someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer costs more money than being someone who is straight does.
So, allies: something to think about. Ignorance -- "Gosh, I had no idea!"-- is not an excuse.
----------
For more information on having to get married over and over and on the queer surcharge, see:
- Do you have to get divorced every time you move?, http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2011/05/do-you-have-to-get-divorced-every-time.html
- At tax time, my second-class citizenship rears up and smacks me in the face, http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/at-tax-time-my-second-class-citizenship.html
- Not the National Coming Out Day conversation I expected, http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/not-national-coming-out-day.html
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Ally behavior: Pagan organizations, where are you?
Re-posted from Crystal Blanton (via Facebook):
Black lives matter. Pagan organizations are predominantly white, and they need to speak up.
I am noticing... again... the silence of the Pagan organizations in light of the recent unrest, death of unarmed black men, injustices, protests, and harm within society. As a POC Pagan, I am looking out into my community and I do not see the community standing up for me.
This is an opportunity to stand up and support the people of color within the Pagan community, and society, by saying... we see you. We are not ignoring you, we are not staying silent.
When the Pagan community does not stand up to support the POC members within their community that are hurting, it is an "in your face" way of reminding us that we are not welcomed.
An African Zulu greeting "Sawubona" translates to mean... I see you. More than the normal seeing.... seeing the core, our humanity, our spirit, our worth... our souls.
So tonight I am saying to the Pagan community, I see you..... the question is... do you SEE us?
https://www.facebook.com/RevCrystal.Blanton/posts/10205684978908620
Black lives matter. Pagan organizations are predominantly white, and they need to speak up.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Winter Solstice 2014
I have just update the list of communities presenting A Winter Solstice Singing Ritual this year, including:
Details at
TinyURL.com/WinterSolsticeSinging/Participating-Communities
If your community is presenting this and you're not listed, please get in touch!
- Edinburgh, Scotland;
- Costa Mesa, CA;
- Indianapolis, IN;
- Louisville, KY (new this year! w00t!);
- Pomona/Galloway, NJ;
- Dallas, TX;
- and hopefully Hamilton, NJ, Gettysburg, PA, Clemson, SC, Spokane, WA, and Madison, WI. (I'm still waiting to hear back from some folks.)
Details at
TinyURL.com/WinterSolsticeSinging/Participating-Communities
If your community is presenting this and you're not listed, please get in touch!
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Thank you again to SheWho
Way back in 2002, SheWho feminist women's vocal ensemble recorded the CD for "A Winter Solstice Singing Ritual" for me and my co-author. It was a one-off for them -- not part of their musical life long-term -- but it took a lot of their time and energy. That CD has certainly been part of my life long-term, and as I'm doing a lot of intensive teaching of this music right now, I find myself again grateful for all the time and work those eight women put into our project. There are of course things I'd do differently, mostly thanks to what I learned by doing this CD, but the CD has definitely stood the test of time as a fabulous resource for people learning this music. Thank you again, Karen Escovitz (Otter), Amanda Albright, Anne Cummings, Debra D'Alessandro, Gili Ronen, Hilary Barrett, and Juliet Spitzer.
For more information about SheWho -- or to order their fabulous independent CD, "The Earth Will Turn Over" -- please see:
Friday, November 28, 2014
Trans Lifeline and other crisis and suicide resources
There's a new hotline for transgender people in crisis, Trans Lifeline. They've been open for a few months but just went public, and the response seems BIG.
If you've got a few bucks, even $5 or $10, please consider donating to them -- you can help save someone's life: http://www.gofundme.com/translifeline.
If you are struggling with suicide, please, talk to someone.
If you've got a few bucks, even $5 or $10, please consider donating to them -- you can help save someone's life: http://www.gofundme.com/translifeline.
If you are struggling with suicide, please, talk to someone.
- In the US, anyone can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline free from anywhere at 1-800-273-TALK. You can also livechat from their website, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
- In the US, LGBT youth (ages 24 and younger) can also reach the Trevor Project Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. You can also text or chat: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now#tt.
- In the US and Canada, transgender, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming people can also call the Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860. Please see their website to confirm staffing times: http://www.translifeline.org/.
- In the UK, you can call the Samaritans anytime, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on 08457 90 90 90.
- In Scotland, you can call the Breathing Space phoneline, which is available 24 hours at weekends (6pm Friday - 6am Monday), and 6pm - 2am on weekdays (Monday - Thursday), on 0800 83 85 87.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Survival and standing in our integrity, at Thanksgiving and every other day
There's
an American holiday this month that is often associated with family. I have been holding in my heart the too-many people I know and care
about who are not welcome at their family Thanksgiving, or who are
otherwise alienated or estranged from their families, born or chosen,
for refusing to lie. For not pretending to be straight, for not
pretending to be a gender they're not, for not tolerating abuse or harassment, for not pretending to be a religion they're not.
For living honestly and with integrity.
That integrity is often necessary for survival. Being alienated from our families may be the price we pay for our mental and physical health, but that alienation takes a toll in physical and mental health, too. The simple fact of that discrimination, that our families treat us that way, and the separation from our folks.
No one should ever have to choose between survival and our families. And too often, our families ask that of us. This shit is hard.
Our lives are worth that integrity.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Re-posting for Veterans Day / Armistice Day
It’s 3:45 am when my pager wakes me. I speak to a man who is quite upset: his sister has just died – at the end of a long illness, but unexpectedly soon – and his sister’s son is on active duty in the military, stationed overseas.
Read more...
Friday, November 7, 2014
Let's talk about ally behavior, straight people edition
Dear people who say you're allies: When you act like you know more about the reality of the lives of oppressed people than oppressed people do, and when you disbelieve our lived experience, that is NOT ally behavior and it's not helpful.
I experience and witness this all the time, both in person and on line.
In today's example, we're talking about: straight allies; lesbian, bisexual, gay, and queer people in same-sex relationships; and lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people whom straight people are likely to read as some version of queer.
I was part of a conversation on social media recently that went something like this:
Original Poster (OP):
Peanut Gallery (PG):
Straight Person (SP): (Not their exact words)
I did not say: THAT'S B/C YOU ARE SWIMMING IN STRAIGHT PRIVILEGE, HONEY.
Here's what I did say, with link to a NY Times article about the Langbehn-Pond family's experience:
I didn't even get into the more 'ordinary' forms of anti-queer harassment. LIKE GETTING BEAT UP JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE PEGS YOU AS SOME VERSION OF QUEER.
SP's response (again, not their exact words):
Ummm, riiiiiight.
Things I did not say:
YOU'RE RIGHT! We're MAKING THIS SHIT UP! For FUN! And OF COURSE you know so much more about this than all the queer people in this conversation!
Also, hello, "I'm a straight person let me make this conversation all about me and my experience and how unfathomable queer people's experience is."
Also, hello: a straight person turning this conversation from "What do I as an LGBTQ person need to do to stay safe when I travel?" to "I'm a straight person and I'm going to talk about my experience and how unbelievable your experience is" is not ally behavior.
What I did say:
Let me just say right now that when OP came back to the conversation, they stated really clearly that disbelieving LGBTQ people about our experience was not okay with them.
In a separate conversation about this in my space, people pointed out:
Also, EXCUSE me? The only queer people who get beaten when traveling are the ones who have sex in the street?? It's a very short step from the belief that people won't beat you for being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer unless you're having sex and they witness it, to the belief that if someone beat you for being queer, you did something to provoke it and it's your fault.
That is victim-blaming bullshit. Victim-blaming bullshit is not ally behavior.
SP talked about being in a same-sex romantic relationship vs being in a "regular" friendship, thus reinforcing the notion that same-sex romances and partnerships are not regular, are not normal, are deviant.
That is not ally behavior.
SP talked about her experience as a straight person in a heterosexual marriage and as a straight person traveling with another person of the same gender as if it were equivalent to queer people's experience. As if it gave her the same understanding of queer people's experience in same-gender relationships, and as if it gave her the same understanding of being a queer person whom straight people read as queer. SP made it clear she considered her experience as a straight person to be more valid in assessing LGBTQ safety than the experience of not just one LGBTQ person, but several, in the conversation. (WTF?)
That is not ally behavior.
It's also derailing.
Derailing is not ally behavior.
SP, who is straight, took over a conversation among LGBTQ people about their experience as LGBTQ people to talk about her experience as a straight person and to demand LGBTQ people educate her.
That is derailing. Derailing is not ally behavior.
All of these behaviors are heterosexist. Heterosexist behavior is not ally behavior.
For more information on derailing, I suggest these excellent resources listed here:
http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/lets-talk-about-ally-behavior-derailing.html
I want to talk about some of the aspects of this kind of behavior that bother me the most.
1) There are straight people who think of themselves as LGBTQ allies, but who have no clue about the lived experience of LGBTQ people.
Who think it's all about same-sex marriage. Who think same-sex marriage is nice, but have no idea why it's important -- know nothing about the additional tax burden of being in a same-sex relationship, know nothing about the legal threats to our families, know nothing about the spreadsheets we keep to track how many times laws in different states have required us to dissolve our legal relationships and then re-form them, know nothing about the health care threats, know nothing about second-parent adoption. Who expect us to look and act like cis straight people. Who chastise us when we look too masculine or too feminine, or kiss our partners in public. Who have no clue that we can still be fired for being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer, or just never hired in the first place; denied a mortgage; stopped by the cops for walking down the street and arrested for prostitution if we have condoms in our possession; refused medical treatment, including in life-threatening emergencies; refused rental housing.
These things I mention? They are the tip of the iceberg. There is much, much more.
If these surprise you, you're not paying attention, and you're not behaving like an ally. If you think of yourself as an LGBTQ ally, you need to educate yourself about the lived reality of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and genderqueer people.
And DON'T ask us to educate you. It is your job as an ally to educate yourself. There is plenty of good material out there by LGBTQ people for you to find. Go find it.
2) There are straight people who like to think of themselves as LGBTQ allies, but who refuse to listen to that experience when we share it.
When we tell you about our experience, believe it. Don't tell us it's hard to for you to believe. We live it. Every day. Our other LGBTQ siblings live it every day.
When we tell you about our experience, don't change the focus back to you. Don't talk about your experience as a straight person. Don't tell us how your experience with something as a straight person means you understand our experience as a queer person.
Believe what we tell you, however we tell you -- in person, in writing, in documentaries, in music, in theatre, etc. We have all sorts of ways we talk about our experience. Seek them out. Believe them.
Dear people trying to be allies:
Do you want to be an ally? Ally is a set of behaviors. It's not a title. If you want to behave like an ally, some of the very basic things you can do are:
Hoo-rah-I-think-everyone-should-be-able-to-get-married is not enough.
Signed,
An Oppressed Person Who's Tired of This Shit
I experience and witness this all the time, both in person and on line.
In today's example, we're talking about: straight allies; lesbian, bisexual, gay, and queer people in same-sex relationships; and lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people whom straight people are likely to read as some version of queer.
I was part of a conversation on social media recently that went something like this:
Original Poster (OP):
Re-posting for some friends: looking for safety tips for a lesbian couple traveling abroad, etc.
Peanut Gallery (PG):
Examples from personal experience; on-line travel and legal resources, etc.
Straight Person (SP): (Not their exact words)
This is so interesting; someone said traveling without displaying much PDA is safer, and I agree; whose business is it anyway what you do behind closed doors?; I usually travel with my husband, but it's not like people know he's my husband, he could be my brother, right?; I mean, it's not like we're making love in the street; of course gay couples don't want to have to hide that they're gay, and of course I respect that, but why prove you're a romantic couple instead of regular friends?; I traveled with an opposite-sex person I wasn't married to and someone asked us if we were married, and we said no, but if I was a lesbian should I have said that I was a lesbian?; people of the same sex travel together all the time; I traveled with a lesbian friend and shared a bed without having sex and I felt totally safe in terms of what other people thought; I'm just trying to figure all this out; I guess I'm just a little confused by all of this...
I did not say: THAT'S B/C YOU ARE SWIMMING IN STRAIGHT PRIVILEGE, HONEY.
Here's what I did say, with link to a NY Times article about the Langbehn-Pond family's experience:
That's b/c you don't have to worry about things like being able to make decisions for each other should one of you become ill or be in an accident, that sort of thing. Or being prevented from seeing each other in the hospital b/c legally you're not kin. Or your kids not being allowed to see you in the hospital when you're dying b/c the hospital staff have decided you aren't really their mother. These are the kinds of things people in same-sex relationships have to worry about all the time, even within the US.
There are also some places where women traveling without a man are harassed b/c they are perceived as not being under a man's protection and therefore fair to harass.
I didn't even get into the more 'ordinary' forms of anti-queer harassment. LIKE GETTING BEAT UP JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE PEGS YOU AS SOME VERSION OF QUEER.
SP's response (again, not their exact words):
We are talking about going on a trip, and I don't understand how that needs to include all these life issues; you're telling me that if you are an American in Europe and something happens to you they will not let your travel companion come into the hospital room with you; I find that hard to believe; I'm not talking about all the other issues that are part of this; JUST THE PART ABOUT TRAVELING ABROAD; that's what we're talking about.
Ummm, riiiiiight.
Things I did not say:
YOU'RE RIGHT! We're MAKING THIS SHIT UP! For FUN! And OF COURSE you know so much more about this than all the queer people in this conversation!
Also, hello, "I'm a straight person let me make this conversation all about me and my experience and how unfathomable queer people's experience is."
Also, hello: a straight person turning this conversation from "What do I as an LGBTQ person need to do to stay safe when I travel?" to "I'm a straight person and I'm going to talk about my experience and how unbelievable your experience is" is not ally behavior.
What I did say:
Yeah. We're talking about going on a trip. Yeah, queer people have to worry about this shit. [Name], why would it even occur to you not to believe this is an issue queer people have to deal with? It seems hard to believe to you? I'm sorry your straight privilege makes the daily reality of our lives hard for you to believe. We don't have that luxury.
Let me just say right now that when OP came back to the conversation, they stated really clearly that disbelieving LGBTQ people about our experience was not okay with them.
In a separate conversation about this in my space, people pointed out:
- Has SP ever held hands with her husband in public while traveling? Ever kissed him in public?
- Has she ever worried about someone bashing her upside the head for doing so? Or simply because they thought she was straight?
- Has she ever had to choose between safety and invisibility?
- Is kissing her husband or holding his hand where other people can see it "proving" they're a romantic couple instead of "regular" friends?
- "I'm just trying to figure all this out" is a convenient line, but this person was displaying behavior that indicated she really didn't want to know: she wasn't listening to the lived experience of queer people, and she didn't believe what queer people told her. What's more, she was insisting her thoughts, feelings, experience, and disbelief take center stage. Not the experience of LGBTQ people, hers. This is derailing. So is insisting members of a minority educate her.
Also, EXCUSE me? The only queer people who get beaten when traveling are the ones who have sex in the street?? It's a very short step from the belief that people won't beat you for being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer unless you're having sex and they witness it, to the belief that if someone beat you for being queer, you did something to provoke it and it's your fault.
That is victim-blaming bullshit. Victim-blaming bullshit is not ally behavior.
SP talked about being in a same-sex romantic relationship vs being in a "regular" friendship, thus reinforcing the notion that same-sex romances and partnerships are not regular, are not normal, are deviant.
That is not ally behavior.
SP talked about her experience as a straight person in a heterosexual marriage and as a straight person traveling with another person of the same gender as if it were equivalent to queer people's experience. As if it gave her the same understanding of queer people's experience in same-gender relationships, and as if it gave her the same understanding of being a queer person whom straight people read as queer. SP made it clear she considered her experience as a straight person to be more valid in assessing LGBTQ safety than the experience of not just one LGBTQ person, but several, in the conversation. (WTF?)
That is not ally behavior.
It's also derailing.
Derailing is not ally behavior.
SP, who is straight, took over a conversation among LGBTQ people about their experience as LGBTQ people to talk about her experience as a straight person and to demand LGBTQ people educate her.
That is derailing. Derailing is not ally behavior.
All of these behaviors are heterosexist. Heterosexist behavior is not ally behavior.
For more information on derailing, I suggest these excellent resources listed here:
http://aquakerwitch.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/lets-talk-about-ally-behavior-derailing.html
I want to talk about some of the aspects of this kind of behavior that bother me the most.
1) There are straight people who think of themselves as LGBTQ allies, but who have no clue about the lived experience of LGBTQ people.
Who think it's all about same-sex marriage. Who think same-sex marriage is nice, but have no idea why it's important -- know nothing about the additional tax burden of being in a same-sex relationship, know nothing about the legal threats to our families, know nothing about the spreadsheets we keep to track how many times laws in different states have required us to dissolve our legal relationships and then re-form them, know nothing about the health care threats, know nothing about second-parent adoption. Who expect us to look and act like cis straight people. Who chastise us when we look too masculine or too feminine, or kiss our partners in public. Who have no clue that we can still be fired for being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer, or just never hired in the first place; denied a mortgage; stopped by the cops for walking down the street and arrested for prostitution if we have condoms in our possession; refused medical treatment, including in life-threatening emergencies; refused rental housing.
These things I mention? They are the tip of the iceberg. There is much, much more.
If these surprise you, you're not paying attention, and you're not behaving like an ally. If you think of yourself as an LGBTQ ally, you need to educate yourself about the lived reality of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and genderqueer people.
And DON'T ask us to educate you. It is your job as an ally to educate yourself. There is plenty of good material out there by LGBTQ people for you to find. Go find it.
2) There are straight people who like to think of themselves as LGBTQ allies, but who refuse to listen to that experience when we share it.
When we tell you about our experience, believe it. Don't tell us it's hard to for you to believe. We live it. Every day. Our other LGBTQ siblings live it every day.
When we tell you about our experience, don't change the focus back to you. Don't talk about your experience as a straight person. Don't tell us how your experience with something as a straight person means you understand our experience as a queer person.
Believe what we tell you, however we tell you -- in person, in writing, in documentaries, in music, in theatre, etc. We have all sorts of ways we talk about our experience. Seek them out. Believe them.
Dear people trying to be allies:
Do you want to be an ally? Ally is a set of behaviors. It's not a title. If you want to behave like an ally, some of the very basic things you can do are:
- Educate yourself about what the people who are part of the minority you are trying to ally with go through. Educate yourself about their / our lived experience.
- Respect that we know more about the truth of our own lived experience than you do.
- Listen when we tell you about our experience.
- Believe us when we tell you about our experience, and believe us when we tell you about prejudice, bigotry, and the -isms we face every day.
Hoo-rah-I-think-everyone-should-be-able-to-get-married is not enough.
Signed,
An Oppressed Person Who's Tired of This Shit
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Let's talk about ally behavior, white people and men edition
Let's talk about ally behavior:
1) Hello, white people: we don't get to decide what's racist, because a) we're not the targets of it and b) we benefit from it.
If you actually want to be an anti-racist person and ally to people of color, rather than someone who merely benefits from white privilege and is well-meaning, then you need to listen when people of color speak the truth of their experience.
And when people of color say something is racist, if you want to be an ally, you f'ing shut up and listen, you don't whitesplain all the reasons it's not racist or why it's okay to act that way.
2) Hello, men: you don't get to decide what's sexist or misogynist, because a) you're not the targets of it and b) you benefit from it.
If you actually want to be an anti-sexist person and ally to women, rather than someone who merely benefits from male privilege and is well-meaning, then you need to listen when women speak the truth of their experience.
And when women say something is sexist or misogynist, if you want to be an ally, you f'ing shut up and listen, you don't mansplain all the reasons it's not sexist or misogynist or why it's okay for you to act that way.
1) Hello, white people: we don't get to decide what's racist, because a) we're not the targets of it and b) we benefit from it.
If you actually want to be an anti-racist person and ally to people of color, rather than someone who merely benefits from white privilege and is well-meaning, then you need to listen when people of color speak the truth of their experience.
And when people of color say something is racist, if you want to be an ally, you f'ing shut up and listen, you don't whitesplain all the reasons it's not racist or why it's okay to act that way.
2) Hello, men: you don't get to decide what's sexist or misogynist, because a) you're not the targets of it and b) you benefit from it.
If you actually want to be an anti-sexist person and ally to women, rather than someone who merely benefits from male privilege and is well-meaning, then you need to listen when women speak the truth of their experience.
And when women say something is sexist or misogynist, if you want to be an ally, you f'ing shut up and listen, you don't mansplain all the reasons it's not sexist or misogynist or why it's okay for you to act that way.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Let's talk about ally behavior, derailing edition
Derailment, people. Derailing is never, ever a good idea. And yet well-meaning people do it all the time. I feel the temptation at times, myself. Never, ever a good idea.
I find it very, very useful to be able to identify derailment -- when other people are doing it to me, when I'm tempted to do it to other people, or when I say something and someone tells me to stop derailing.
Here are some excellent resources on derailment:
Enjoy. (Some of them are pretty funny. Wait, humor -- ?!)
I find it very, very useful to be able to identify derailment -- when other people are doing it to me, when I'm tempted to do it to other people, or when I say something and someone tells me to stop derailing.
Here are some excellent resources on derailment:
- First and foremost, The Geek Feminism Wiki's entry on derailment: http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Derailment
- Piranha's Derailment Bingo: http://piranha.dreamwidth.org/445505.html
- Derailing for Dummies: http://birdofparadox.wordpress.com/derailing-for-dummies-google-cache-reconstruction/
Enjoy. (Some of them are pretty funny. Wait, humor -- ?!)
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Let's talk about ally behavior
I am about to post a series of articles on ally behavior.
This started out as a single post based on one experience I had last week. However, the past week has turned into a stream of Allies Not Behaving Like Allies experiences. Some of these have happened in person, some have happened on line, some have combined both. It just keeps coming.
I know a lot of well-meaning white people who think they don't treat people of color any differently than they do white people.
I know a lot of well-meaning straight people who think they accept lesbian, gay, bisexual, and queer people whole-heartedly.
I know a lot of cisgender people who think they support transgender rights.
I know a lot of men who think they're Nice Guys and would never do anything to make a woman uncomfortable.
I know a lot of well-meaning non-disabled people who think they are fully accepting of people with disabilities.
But you know what, people, that's not enough.
If you really believe everyone is equal, if you really believe you're not racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, or ableist, if you believe everyone should be treated equally, believing is not enough. You need to walk your talk. We need to walk our talk. You need to behave in ways that mirror those values. We need to behave in ways that mirror those values.
We're going to start out here talking about ally behavior -- what it is, and what it isn't.
First, what's an ally?
Here's an excellent definition from the Geek Feminism Wiki:
Allies are people who support a group who are commonly the subject of discrimination, prejudice, etc, but who are not members of that group. Specifically, feminist allies are individuals who are not women who support women's rights and promote feminism.
Let me be real clear here, folks: an ally is not what you/we are, it's what you/we do. It is not enough to say "I'm an ally" or "I support this marginalized group" without adding behavior that puts that into action.
Okay, then, what is ally behavior?
Here is a very basic starting place, again from the Geek Feminism Wiki:
- Accept and understand your privilege
- Learn to listen
- Don't make it about you
- Adopt a language of respect and equality
- CALL OTHER MEN ON THEIR CRAP
The "Allies" entry has further examples of ally behavior, and further resources. I recommend it.
Here is the most basic ally behavior I can recommend to you:
- LISTEN when people who are members of oppressed minorities talk about their experience with oppression.
- DON'T defend what happened, don't explain it, don't say it wasn't racist etc, don't insist it's okay for people to behave that way.
- BELIEVE what people who are members of oppressed minorities tell you about their experience. Don't talk about how hard it is to believe, don't say you've never witnessed anything like this, etc.
- DON'T DERAIL. Don't talk about your own experience, don't tone-police, etc.
- CALL other people who are members of the same dominant society groups you're part of on their behavior.
Here are some excellent resources on what derailing is and isn't:
- First and foremost, The Geek Feminism Wiki's entry on derailment: http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Derailment
- Piranha's Derailment Bingo: http://piranha.dreamwidth.org/445505.html
- Derailing for Dummies: http://birdofparadox.wordpress.com/derailing-for-dummies-google-cache-reconstruction/
More soon.
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