Some Experiences with a Culture of Consent and Radical Inclusion

In the midst of the renewed coverage of sexual predators in religious and spiritual communities, I want to talk about what it's like to experience a culture of consent -- how a culture of consent can be about expansion rather than contraction, how it can embody radical love and radical inclusion.  

My starting point is a piece Christine Hoff Kraemer recently wrote at Patheos Pagan's Sermons from the Mound, "Erotic Ethics and Pagan Consent Culture."  I highly recommend it.  Go ahead and read it; I'll wait.

One of the things Christine talks about, among her many excellent points, is creating a culture of consent around non-sexual touch, and about how this can affirm the sacredness of touch between people:

Rather than focusing purely on sexual touch, let’s focus on touch in general. If we create a culture of consent around touch, and learn to treat touch as an opportunity for a sacramental moment between two people, we will have clear standards for what constitutes appropriate touch in all cases. Not only will it be easier to identify boundary-violating warning signs from potential predators, but well-meaning people will find it easier to offer and accept touch only when it’s wanted, not out of a sense of social obligation.

It was to this point in particular I responded in a conversation I was part of on social media, with Christine and some other friends of hers and mine.  I found myself sharing a little bit about my experience with consent culture in FLGBTQC (Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns).  Yvonne Aburrow, Christine's co-blogger and another friend and colleague of mine, asked me if I'd write a blog post about it.

I can share only about my own experience within FLGBTQC.  Other Friends' experience might be quite different, and the conclusions they draw from their experience might be different, as well.  

What is FLGBTQC?

Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns is a North American Quaker faith community that affirms that of God in all people. Gathering twice yearly for worship and play, we draw sustenance from each other and from the Spirit for our work and life in the world. We are learning that radical inclusion and radical love bring further light to Quaker testimony and life.  

Read more here: http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/whatis.html. 

I've been part of FLGBTQC since the early aughts.  It's in many ways a diverse community, in other ways a homogeneous one.  We're not perfect, but we do try to attend to each others' needs, particularly around safety.  So many of us come from, and spend time in, communities and places that aren't safe for us -- spiritually, yes, but also emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. 

For as long as I've participated in FLGBTQC, our Ministry and Counsel committee has given what we refer to as "The Boundaries Talk" at the start of each gathering, and repeated it at different times throughout.

The Boundaries Talk, is, among other things, a reminder to ask before touching people.  A reminder not to make assumptions about people's boundaries when it comes to physical touch, but to find out if something even as seemingly simple as a hug is okay.

It's a reminder that although we're joyful to be together and happy to see each other, different people have different boundaries around physical touch; that while many of us enjoy being touched or hugged (or kissed or cuddled or...), not everyone does, nor is it safe for all of us; that these things can change over time, even with the same people; and that we need to ask before touching other people, rather than assuming even an arm around their shoulders works for them.  That while it may have been wonderful for both of you that you  swept this person up in a bear hug the last time you saw them, it might not be okay this time.  That it's very easy, especially when some of us have known each other a long time, and especially in a community as exuberantly affectionate as ours, to forget that not everyone wants or can tolerate physical affection.  So, check first.

That's basically it: don't assume; check first, no matter how well you think you know it's all right; "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Here are some cute cats cuddling after asking first. 
Photo By Lazy_Lightning (http://www.flickr.com/photos/drienne/273467543/) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I remember how for many years, The Boundaries Talk was this... icky necessity.  Many of us groaned.  Many times the member of M&C giving the talk groaned.  But it was helpful. 

But something started to shift over time.

At first I noticed how my perception of The Boundaries Talk and asking about touch changed.  Then I noticed that the feeling overall about The Boundaries Talk and asking about touch and consent seemed to be changing, too.

A number of things contributed to this shift.

One thing was in our conversations about gender-designated bathrooms and safety.  Transgender and genderqueer people spoke openly about what they need in order to have safe bathrooms.  Cisgender people who are members of other minorities spoke openly about what they need in order to have safe bathrooms.  Sexual assault survivors of different genders spoke openly about what they need in order to have safe bathrooms.  Many people in our community spoke about safety, boundaries, and their needs and experiences, not just with bathrooms, but in other circumstances, such as queer-focused Quaker space, and still more.

Because this larger conversation sprang from the initial question of gender-neutral and gender-designated bathrooms, this meant we really looked at some of our assumptions about what good boundaries and safety actually are.  This was a real gift.  I think we learned a lot as a community. 

I listened.  I learned.  I grew.  I changed. 

A second thing was a wider conversation, a wider opening, around accessibility overall: 

Bathrooms had become clear as an issue of the accessibility of our community for transgender and genderqueer people, something people within our community need in order to participate fully in our community.  Friends General Conference Gathering, which FLGBTQC participates in, became fragrance-free so as to be more accessible to people with fragrance and chemical sensitivities, and to a wider range of people with chronic illness.  FLGBTQC Mid-Winter Gathering also went fragrance-free.  We started to talk more about hidden disabilities, the kind you can't tell are there when you look at someone, about how those affect our ability to participate fully in our community and our events, about the things we as a community can do to increase accessibility.

People with chronic illness and chronic pain started speaking up more about how their ability to participate in and to tolerate different kinds of physical touch varies over time -- and how other people can't tell, so it's essential to ask.  Clasping someone's arms, or hugging them, or putting your arm around their shoulder, could cause them intense pain for the rest of the day, or prevent them from from carrying their own tray at dinner or from sleeping that night, or be a wonderful experience.  A kiss on the cheek might be lovely, or it might make someone really dizzy.

It became clear that asking about touch is an accessibility issue for many people with disabilities in our community.

Yet another thing was how people with different neurological issues started speaking up about touch and consent.  Some neuro-atypical people, including some people with autism, can't tolerate hugs; some just don't like them; some like them some of the time; some love them.  Some people with migraine love physical touch some of the time and can't tolerate it other times.  Someone's balance might be fine if you hug them one day, or one part of the day, but a hug might knock them over another time.

Again, it became clear that not automatically hugging or otherwise touching people makes the community more accessible for many of us, makes it more possible for more of us to participate fully in community.

To me, it seemed that consent was expanding our community life, not constricting it as so many of us had often assumed. 

People started living and modeling consent. 

The first time a dear F/friend with whom I've shared many hugs asked me, with an incredible grin, "I'd love to give you a hug; is that all right with you, or shall we do something else?," I was floored.  But it was actually super-helpful: my balance wasn't great that day, so I was able to tell her what I needed, and we were able to have a really lovely hug and I stayed upright on my feet.  It was awesome.  It was also a much better hug than it otherwise would have been. 

While our Gatherings might be fragrance-free, we often have to travel through fragranced spaces to get there.  "I'd love to hug you, but I had to use the fragranced soap at the rest stop, so I'm going to stand here and wave enthusiastically," another F/friend said to me once.  I waved and grinned and blew kisses back.  I felt loved.  They felt loved.  We were delighted to see each other.  I didn't get sick, and I didn't make anyone else sick later, either.  It was a wonderful, dear, tender experience. 

And yet another thing was how people who were simply not comfortable with obligatory social touch started saying things like, "No, thanks, I don't like hugs, but I'd love to blow you a kiss."  I can't tell you how much more warm and fuzzy I feel when someone and I can do this, instead of feeling all socially awkward and like I've just violated a boundary I didn't even know was there, or like I've made someone uncomfortable when all I wanted to do was tell them how glad I am to see them.  It's also been really nice for me not to have to hug someone I'm not comfortable hugging, and clasp their hand warmly and with affection, instead. 

There's been less Obligatory Social Touch, and more room for genuine warmth. 

Through this process, the possibilities for our exuberant affection within our community have expanded. 

It has become clearer and clearer that things like consent for non-sexual touch, and The Boundaries Talk, are things that help our community be more accessible for all of us, that help more of us participate fully in our community.  That checking in is an accessibility tool.

Somewhere in there, things like The Boundaries Talk and asking before touching -- consent -- stopped being about constriction, and instead became about expansion.

Expansion of accessibility.  

Expansion of our radical inclusion.

An expression of our radical inclusion.

It's a joyful way to be in community with each other.  I highly recommend it to others.

-----------------

Some further reading:

Protecting Our Children, Protecting Ourselves
http://www.naturenurtured.com/2014/04/02/protecting-our-children-protecting-ourselves/

Respecting Others' Boundaries
sue-still-i-am-one.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/respecting-others-boundaries.html

Erotic Ethics and Pagan Consent Culture
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sermonsfromthemound/2014/03/erotic-ethics/

Silence equals complicity: making Pagan groups safe for everyone
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/sermonsfromthemound/2014/03/silence-equals-death/

Community Statement on Religious Sexual Abuse
http://www.brendanmyers.net/wickedrabbit/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=33%3Afinished-the-community-statement-on-religious-sexual-abuse&catid=11%3Anewscategory&limitstart=3

Whatever happened to the pagan community statement on religious sexual abuse?
http://www.brendanmyers.net/blog/2014/03/whatever-happened-to-the-pagan-community-statement-on-religious-sexual-abuse/

Growing Faith in Blessed Community
http://www.friendsjournal.org/growing-faith-blessed-community/

Reclaiming Scotia Elements of Witchcraft Class

The Elements of Witchcraft

An introduction to Reclaiming style and tradition of Magic

8th – 10th March, 2013


at The Golden Leaf, Peebles 

facilitated by Elinor Prędota

Cost: £75 (£65 concessions)

All living beings are supported by the sacred elements of air, fire, water, earth and spirit. Join us for this fun weekend, in which you will deepen your connection with these elements, and learn the basic tools, approaches and thealogy of Reclaiming tradition.

We will meet on the evening of Friday, 8th March, to focus our attention and intention together with ritual, then move through the elements together over the weekend. By the end of the weekend, you will have begun or strengthened your relationship with the elements, and have a range of tools to support your magical practice and your spiritual path.

Email reclaimingscotia@yahoo.co.uk or visit our Facebook group “Reclaiming Scotia” to ask any questions and to request a booking form.

You can also get a booking form and this flyer from the “Core Classes” page at our website http://reclaimingscotia.wordpress.com/.

[Please note: To be more accessible, this event will be alcohol- and chem-free, and we will also endeavour to have as fragrance-free an environment as possible (including asking participants to refrain from wearing perfume, essential oils, and personal care products containing fragrance).  

For more information on helping to make spaces and events accessible to people with chemical sensitivities, and for tips for participating in such events, please see http://stasa.net/resources/fragrance-free-resources.  - sm]

FAQs about FLGBTQC Mid-Winter Gathering

from the Frequently-Asked Questions page:
http://sites.google.com/site/midwinter2013/home/frequently-asked-questions

Are straight, cisgender people welcome at FLGBTQC Gatherings?

Yes! We are called "Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns" because we welcome all Friends (and Quaker-friendly folks) for whom LGBTQ issues are important. Our gatherings tend to be LGBTQ-oriented spaces, where many or most people speak from experience as LGBTQ folks, and the hetero- and cis-centeredness of much of the rest of the world is explicitly challenged. The straight allies who have been valued members of our community at various times have given a great gift in their willingness to engage lovingly and thoughtfully on LGBTQ issues.

Where can I find out more about how to be fragrance-free? What products are safe to use?

As a good starting resource, we recommend this website, written by an active participant in FLGBTQC. It includes information on why fragrance is an important access issue, as well as practical advice on how to go fragrance-free and what products to use.

I'm flying into Wilkes-Barre/Scranton airport. What flight times should I be looking for?

Midwinter programming generally starts with dinner on Friday, and ends with lunch on Monday. So, factoring in distance from the airport and arriving early to check in, ideal flights would arrive between about noon and 4pm on Friday, and depart after 4pm on Monday. That being said, there tends to be a lot of variation in when people arrive and depart based on when they can get an affordable flight, so if you're flying via Wilkes-Barre/Scranton, we'll probably be doing later runs (until 10pm or so) on Friday and earlier runs (starting with the earliest morning flights) on Monday than the limited window of "ideal times."

I'm a teenager and I'd like to attend Midwinter without my parents. Can I do that?

Yup! You will need permission from your parent or legal guardian, and you'll also need to identify an adult who IS attending Midwinter who can sponsor you. If you don't know any adults who are coming, let us know. We may be able to work with you on finding a sponsor.

I'm a parent attending with kids of different ages. How will my family be accommodated in housing, etc?

We have a few different housing types available that will allow for a variety of configurations for families, including motel-style (two big beds, private bathroom), the "inn" (three twin beds, bathroom shared between two neighboring rooms), and bunk rooms. Let us know what you need, and we'll work with you to figure out a good arrangement for your family.

How do I donate to FLGBTQC to help make more scholarship money available for this, or other, gatherings?

You can donate to FLGBTQC through our website. General donations to FLGBTQC are used for travel assistance grants to people attending our gatherings, financial support for Midwinter, publishing our newsletter, and a few other small administrative costs. If you'd prefer to donate directly to increase financial aid for Midwinter 2013, you can include a donation with your registration fees, or use the "contact us" page to work out another method with us as needed.

How much financial aid is usually available? Can you cover my entire registration fee?

General affordability, paired with financial aid for those who can't pay the published registration fees, is a major commitment for us, though of course funds are not unlimited. It is unusual, but not unheard of, for us to cover an individual's entire registration cost. Please request what you feel you need to in order to realistically afford to attend Midwinter. We want you there, and we also want to give assistance to others!

Is assistance available to help with my travel costs?

Yes. FLGBTQC has specifically designated a separate fund to assist people with the cost of travel to and from our gatherings, including airfare, train or bus tickets, or a new chain for your bicycle (just kidding... maybe?). It is a separate process to request travel assistance than to request financial aid for registration costs. Submit your travel assistance request through the "contact us" form, where it will be forwarded to the co-clerks of FLGBTQC. Include information about your total transportation costs, what mode of travel you're using, specific amount that you are requesting from them, and contact information for you.

Do I need to make my travel arrangements before I register?

No, you can register before making travel arrangements. But make sure to let us know what your plans are are once you've made them, even if you don't need to arrange a shuttle with us!

Can I bring my baby?

Please do! Our youth programs welcome all kids under 18, and we'll be happy to work with you on how to accommodate food, naps, bedtime, and any other particular needs of your small child.

Can I come for a day or two, but not the whole weekend?

Yes, we welcome part-time attenders at Midwinter. However, we will not be providing airport shuttles on any days other than Friday and Monday, and on-site housing is available only as a package for the entire weekend. There are several hotels nearby where you can stay if you only want to overnight for a day or two-- contact us if you need help finding them!

What kind of housing is available?

Bryn Mawr Mountain Retreat offers motel-style rooms (two queen-sized beds in a room with attached bath), the "inn" (three single beds with bathrooms shared between two rooms), and large bunk rooms with shared bathrooms in the "lodge." In addition to these options, we welcome commuters staying with friends or in one of the nearby hotels.

Calling Friends (Quakers) and Fellow Spiritual Travelers of all descriptions who hold lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people close to your hearts!

from the Planning Committee:

Calling Friends (Quakers) and Fellow Spiritual Travelers of all descriptions who hold lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people close to your hearts!

You are enthusiastically invited to gather at the Bryn Mawr Mountain Retreat and Conference Center in the Poconos of Pennsylvania, February 15-18, 2013.

Together we will seek spiritual growth and renewal through unprogrammed worship, learning, fellowship, and play under the care of Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns (FLGBTQC).

We will be blessed by the ministry of Friend Niyonu Spann, founder of Beyond Diversity 101 workshops.

For more information and to register, go to http://flgbtqc.quaker.org/ and click on Midwinter Gathering and/or contact us by email: flgbtqcmidwinter@gmail.com or phone: 267-713-8694.

Please help us spread the word via word of mouth, email, newsletter, facebook, twitter.

Please see my next post for Frequently-Asked Questions (and answers!)

p.s.  I was in a workshop co-facilitated by Niyonu at FGC Gathering last summer, and I'm very much looking forward to experiencing her ministry at Mid-Winter Gathering!

Updated information on FLGBTQC Mid-Winter Gathering

Updated information on Mid-Winter Gathering of Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns!  

As in the past, the Midwinter Gathering will be held over Presidents' Weekend - February 15-18, 2013.

LOCATION: The Gathering will be held at Bryn Mawr Mountain Conference Center. This is located in Honesdale, PA, which is in the Poconos. (Note: This is NOT in Philadelphia, and it's NOT in the town of Bryn Mawr with which you may be familiar because of a Quaker college of that name which is in that town.)  Here is the website for the conference center at Bryn Mawr Mountain: http://www.brynmawrmountain.com/

TRANSPORTATION: The nearest airport to Bryn Mawr Mountain is the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Airport (AVP), located about 1 hour away. This is a smaller airport, but our research indicates that it is actually less expensive to fly to this airport from most major cities in the US. Other airport options include: Lehigh Valley/Allentown (ABE) - 2 hours away. Newark (EWR) - 2 1/2 hours away. Philadelphia (PHL) - over 3 hours away. We strongly encourage you to use the Scranton airport if possible!

We are working on a way to provide shared transportation from Philadelphia to the Gathering. It is likely that we will arrange a bus or vas, as we anticipate a large number of attendees from the Philadelphia area. If you are coming from the Philadelphia area, please be assured that we will have updates for you as soon as possible on how we can help you get to the Gathering!

REGISTRATION: The registration form will be available soon (thank you for your patience!), but we do now have the information about registration fees. The standard adult rate will be $260 (per adult, for the whole weekend, all meals included). Some of the rooms are "summer camp" style (3-6 bunk beds, shared bathroom); others are "dormitory" style (1 bunk bed, 1 single bed, bathrooms on the hall) -- all these rooms are $260 per adult. There are a few rooms available which are further separated from the rest of the campus and have private baths; these rooms will be $280 (per adult). The rate for teens (age 13-18) will be $100, and for children (3-12) will be $60 (per teen/child, full weekend, all meals included). Children 2 and under can attend for free.

If you have questions... please know that your question may be answered soon as we will have much more information available for you, hopefully within the next few weeks!

We're looking forward to a really awesome Gathering and hope to see you there! Please stay tuned for further updates!

Recommended article: Tape Flags and First Thoughts: Red Cedar's Experiment with Fragrance-Free Seating

Tape Flags and First Thoughts: Red Cedar's Experiment with Fragrance-Free Seating
Su Penn

My Quaker meeting is working on accessibility issues related to fragrances, which some people (like me) have sensitivities to and which can also trigger or exacerbate migraines and asthma. It's been a surprisingly vexed conversation over the last six to nine months, and there are a lot of tender feelings...

Anyway, one thing we're experimenting with is designationg one-fourth of the meeting room as fragrance-free seating. This was a hard decision to make...

Read more...

Blogging Against Disablism: Why I'm tired, why I'm sick, why I feel embraced

When I first read about Blogging Against Disablism/Ablism Day, I knew I wanted to write something for it.

I finally had some time to sit down and write this week, and I spent a little while sitting quietly, not thinking about much, not writing, just being.

Letting my mind go out of focus, then bringing it back to my experience… what really comes to the forefront is just how tired I am.

An accessibility ally

At a Quaker retreat last weekend, during the introductory announcements about the site, the schedule, etc., a member of the Planning Committee made some announcements about accessibility, including an announcement about the fragrance-free nature of the gathering.

I was grumpy and overwhelmed at that point.  I felt that fragrance issues hadn't quite been handled adequately so far, in a community with a history of handling them very well.  I'd been trying to negotiate with my (well-meaning and responsive) cabin-mates, who'd brought fragranced personal care products with them.  I certainly did not expect to have the reaction I did to zir announcement.

Ze stated very clearly that this was a fragrance-free gathering, and that this was for accessibility reasons and is an accessibility issue.  Ze explained plainly and clearly several of the problems fragranced products can cause for people with medical conditions triggered or exacerbated by chemicals in fragrances, and how such exposure would prevent members of our community from participating in the gathering. 

But ze went further.  Ze announced that the Planning Committee was providing fragrance-free soap, shampoo, and conditioner.  Ze added, "So there's no excuse for using scented products."  Ze also said, If you are wearing something scented and someone with a fragrance sensitivity can smell it, you have already made them sick.  Then ze said (I'm paraphrasing), If we can smell a fragrance, those of us without fragrance sensitivities, being allies and advocates, are the ones who should take it upon ourselves to say something in situations like that, rather than leaving it to people who are sensitive.

How did I feel? 

This heavy load lifted from my shoulders.  There were all sorts of things ze had said, and so I didn't have to.  There were all sorts of ways ze was advocating for me and for other people there with this accessibility issue, and ze was calling other allies to do so, and so we didn't have to.  I was off duty.  It was amazing.  It gets so completely exhausting doing self-advocacy around disability accessibility (and not just disability).  This weight just lifted from my shoulders. 

I made a point, later, of telling ze how much I appreciated what ze had said and the language ze had used.  Ze said it was heart-felt, and that was how ze had chosen zir words, and that ze appreciated the feedback. 

Me, I appreciated zir advocacy, and I appreciated how the whole community -- once again -- embraced responsibility for accessibility for vulnerable members of our community. 

Someone over the weekend reminded us vocally that "community is a Quaker testimony."  Yes. 

Blessed be.  Thank you, Friends. 

Information on Fragrance-free Quaker Meetings, Churches, and Gatherings?

The Ministry and Counsel Committee at the Meeting where I am sojourning, New Brunswick, has brought forward a minute to Monthly Meeting for Business recommending that the Meeting become fragrance-free, as a matter of accessibility.

Meeting for Worship for Business is not yet in unity with the principle of becoming a fragrance-free Meeting.  The matter has been referred back to Ministry and Counsel, which would like to find out about other Quaker organizations which are fragrance-free, and if possible, see some of the policies of those organizations. 

So I am working with Ministry and Counsel to collect some of that information, and I was wondering if you all might be able to help me.

• Do you know of any Quaker Meetings, Quaker Churches, or Quaker Gatherings which are fragrance-free?  Which ones?  

• Can you email me any specific policies, or any language in announcements (stasa dot website at gmail dot com)?  (Or post a comment with links to any on-line policies?)

New Brunswick Friends Meeting, and I, would be immensely grateful. :)

Thank you, Friends!